Saturday, August 8, 2009

The One With the Thankfulness

So, I'm attempting to join the Weekly Thought linkup over at Crystal's blog every week. And I'm sorta in a funk today. So I'm not sure if my thought will be....well, thoughtful, but I guess we'll find out :)

I'm pretty much a mess. I am worried, angry, scared, tired, impatient, and every other emotion in the book. There were a lot of details I left out of my summary of our ultrasound appointment, and overall I'm becoming increasingly convinced that our tech not only was rude and gave up on us far too easily, she also neglected other important aspects of her job.

However, the MOST unhelpful thing I've heard in this situation is "You should have demanded another tech!!" or "I would have spoken with a manager!!! I wouldn't have walked out!" Um, thanks. When YOU have an ultrasound and your tech scares the crap of you and makes you think YOUR baby is dying, feel free to handle the situation "properly." Are they right? Absolutely. I have already placed a call to the manager of the lab we went to, and will be addressing the issues. No one wishes more than me that we had realized how wrong things were before we left. And no one wishes more than me that this would all be resolved before waiting 2 more weeks. But for real--I didn't know. I've never had a mid-pregnancy ultrasound. I knew things didn't feel right, but I didn't realize enough to speak to someone. Next time I will. People can stop telling me now.

Being convinced of our tech's mishandling of the situation is rather encouraging, in some ways, as it leads us to believe everything with the baby IS normal, and she simply did a poor job. The "what if" still feels very real, though. And I truly believe THAT is where all my emotion is coming from. I'm not trying to be overdramatic. I do realize that the chances are very good that my baby is healthy and normal and that in 22 weeks, I will get to meet Nugget and we will have a happy life.

But I'm not gonna lie--I'm tired. I'm tired of not having a happy, fun, exciting pregnancy like so many people I know. And I get angry about it. Yesterday, I finally put voice to my feelings and cried, "I just want ONE freaking part of this pregnancy to feel normal!" And I realized that my problem is different than the one I'm saying it is. I'm very worried for Nugget. It's a big part of my funk. But it's also that I'm a little bitter about the way this has gone, and that I can't fix it.

I peed on a stick, and cried. I was scared for the next few weeks. Like, I went to the bathroom every ten minutes. And I sat on the toilet a little longer, waiting for the miscarriage to start. When I actually DID start spotting, I completely melted, and spent 4 days certain we were going to lose our baby. I got excited, but always it was dampened by fear. I didn't just get normal pregnant sick, I got pregnant sick from hell. When everyone told me I'd feel "better than ever" once I hit 14 weeks, here I sit at 18 weeks, still occasionally puking, still exhausted, still not sleeping. When we got our first ultrasound picture at 6 weeks, we sat in the car and cried because we were still so scared of spreading the news. And now, what should have been one of, if not the MOST, exciting moment of our pregnancy (excluding the actual birth!) was ruined. And I'm tired of it. I want to pee on a stick and run around and tell everyone and be happy and excited, I want to feel great and amazing, and I want to be looking of pictures of my little gender-known Nugget and dreaming of the future.

And now I realize...that's not ok. This situation isn't mine to control. And I am commanded to be thankful. I am not commanded to be thankful because everything went like I planned, or like I wanted. I am not commanded to be thankful because God did things my way instead of his way. I am not commanded to be thankful because of my circumstances; I am simply required to be thankful for ALL THINGS. And tonight, I have much to be thankful for. For now, I have a Nugget kicking around inside of me, and each little movement is a reminder that for now, my baby thrives. I have a husband who has been amazing through this entire situation; has handled meltdowns; helped me through this; been my constant support and laughter; made me smile; and loved our little baby as much as I do. I have an amazing family, friends, coworkers...I am so amazingly blessed. And tonight, I am thinking on these things. Not the things that could have been, or would have been, or things that I want to be different. I am simply thankful for what is. And I am thankful that I have been chosen to carry this life. Every moment.


M. Mcgough said...

Amen! I know its hard. It really sucks. But God knows what he is doing and he is teaching us. My heart breaks with you and rejoices with you. I am so excited to meet your little nugget. I KNOW no matter what is going on with the pregnancy you are going to be Awesome parents and what God is doing with you now is making you better ones. so.. *hugs*

Muthering Heights and Other Senseless Sensibility said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time! I always have terrible pregnancies too...I just hope you feel a bit better soon!

As for the ultrasound tech, I hope your doctor is able to clear things up for you. There are few things more difficult than worrying about your baby!

Happy said...

I'm hoping I didn't say anything in my last comment that upset you. My intent would have only been to encourage and uplift so if I did mispeak, I apologize.

Pregnancy can be super sweet and enjoyable for some. For other's it is an extremely difficult and trying time for a multitude of reasons. My prayer for you is that you begin to experience the super sweet in it soon.

And that you experience peace of mind once and for all after you have this next ultrasound.

Sending another hug and prayer your way...

Online said...

Wow! My heart breaks for you. What a heart wrenching ordeal. I am sorry the sonogram did not go as you wished. I hope you can get some answers soon. I love the honesty with which you write and your desire to praise God through the storm. said...

sorry, online was me... guess i was logged in as something else and didn't realize it!!

Melissa said...

Ashley and Geoff -

I have to agree - pregnancy is much more complicated and scary than anyone ever told me! I will be praying for peace and grace over the two of you and Nugget. Ash, a friend of mine was really sick, too, and she didn't know that after so-many weeks she could ask for some medicine. When she finally did, she felt amazingly better. I hope yours stops naturally and soon, but perhaps there is some tummy meds that could calm your stomach and allow you to enjoy your days a little more. :)

Blessings on your little family!