The One With All the Shopping

So, on a typical day, if I went to the grocery store, this is what you'd see on my receipt:

Green Beans

Broccoli

Carrot Sticks

Hummus

Whole Wheat Bread

Apples

Bananas

Oatmeal

Eggs

Chicken Breasts

Beans

After finding out that I'm pregnant, I'd like to share with you today's shopping purchases:

Easy Mac (that's right. not even the actual box mix. EASY MAC)

Spaghettios

Instant Mashed Potatoes

Popsicles

Gatorade

Cinnamon Raisin Bagels

Cream Cheese

Soft Pretzels

Wow. It's like I'm a bachelor! I've been having some trouble with eating...in that Nugget doesn't like much of what I like. Sometimes, I get crazy weird ideas about what I'd like to eat (ie, crabcakes, chinese, panera cream cheese...) and sometimes it's just super bland carbs that do the trick. I never know. Most of it doesn't stay down anyways, so eh. Luckily, I had a doctors appointment today and since I've been losing weight he gave me some anti-puking medicine that I can start taking. Hurrah! I love my doctor a lot. So much so, that I've made a big decision. I've been all about going natural and doing this through a midwifery and even considered a home birth. But today, I realized how lucky I am to have a doctor that I trust. It's such a huge blessing that I decided it'd be silly to go somewhere else. I'm going to deliver at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore under the care of my dr, who fully supports the idea of going natural. Hurrah! I'm glad to have that decision made. I thought about still going to look at Special Beginnings, etc...but the one thing I love is knowing that my doctor will deliver my baby. Not whichever midwife is on duty. So, I've gotta research a lot and figure out what I definitely do/don't want out of my experience. 

I'm 8 weeks along (welllll 8 weeks tomorrow.) And I find it hilarious that I've lost weight, since my hips and stomach have grown and my boobs are absolutely enormous. I bought a new dress at Wal-mart 2 weeks ago. I put it on Sunday morning, looked in the mirror, and realized it wasn't fit to be seen in public anymore, thanks to my chest. Pregnancy is so weird! 

The One With The Weirdness

I have no idea if any of my thoughts and feelings thus far this pregnancy are normal or not. I'm sure at least some of them are. But in any case, here's our journey through the past month or so.

After my miscarriage, we knew we wanted to get pregnant again quickly. Timing, finances, everything aside, losing the baby made us parents, and wanting to continue that. I went for my followup appointment and my doctor said because everything was progressing so well physically, we could begin "trying" again as soon as we wanted. I knew the cycle after a miscarriage could be iffy, so I didn't get my hopes up for being pregnant right away...well. I tried not to get my hopes up. Then, toward the end of April, I began to feel a little...weird. I kept thinking it was signs of pregnancy and at one point was SURE I was pregnant. Then, a few days later, nothing. So, I prepared myself to just focus on the coming months. Then, Saturday night, April 25, I took a pregnancy test. Not gonna lie, I'd already taken one 2 days prior which was negative, and Geoff and I had discussed not taking anymore. Plus, I knew I'd still be early and that night was the worst time to take the test. However, about 2 minutes later.....there was a faint 2nd line. I immediately ran and showed Geoff, and because it was so faint, we both pretty much just went to bed not really processing it. Sunday morning, though, brought more lines and more confirmation--I'm Pregnant. And that's where things got weird.

There was no ecstatic jumping up and down; no celebratory dinners. Were we thrilled? Yes. We prayed and prayed for another pregnancy; this was something we desperately wanted. However, we were very unprepared for the fear that we faced. I literally went through the enst 2 weeks certain I was going to lose it. I was able to hope a little, but mostly just was waiting for it to happen. Geoff was much the same. All our conversations were "So...if we actually do get to have this one..." Never once did we allow ourselves to believe that we could meet this one. I don't think this is because we didn't have faith or trust or whatever, I simply think it's because we were scared to face the pain again.

Nearly 4 weeks later, I am still very scared. Luckily, we've seen our baby, we know the heart is beating, my hormone levels are great--all signs, so far, are pointing toward a healthy pregnancy. I'm still finding it hard to really embrace the joy of this time, but I'm trying to start a little bit each day. 

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us--please, if you think of it, pray for us, and Nugget, and for the strength to face whatever comes our way. This is a wonderful time for us...and I plan on beginning to enjoy it more.

The One With Our Little Nugget

We're pregnant again! 

I'm much too tired to actually write any of the story, but, I would like to say that we're super excited about Nugget's heartbeat of 100 beats per minute at 6weeks, 3 days. We also are SURE there is lots of hormone in there, as I am experiencing all the delights of morning sickness. (Although I think the "morning" part of that is a cruel joke.) We're very nervous, but also so thankful for the way things are going so far. Our next appointment is Thursday the 28th. Hurrah!

The One With Dying

I've lost a pretty fair number of people that I love in my life--more than most people my age. This isn't something I'm a particularly huge fan of; however, it is a huge part of who I am today. I thought I had a pretty good grip on my thoughts of death and dying, but this week I am experiencing something new--actually being part of the process. See, the people closest to me that I've lost, I wasn't really there. I dealt with the aftermath more than the dying. With my friend Dave it was a little bit of a process, since it was a roller coaster ride as we waited to see what would happen--but it all happened hours away from me. I never got to see him, or say goodbye, or anything. Brandon died super suddenly...grandparents I guess I was a little more aware of things going on, but I was younger and thus not as much a part of what was happening.

My grandmother (mom's mom) is very, very sick. She is dying. And she knows. I went to see her tonight, and we know it may be one of the last times we get to see her and actually have 2 way communication. She knows her time is limited, and she's scared. She also can still tell little jokes, open her eyes a bit, and knows who we all are. We don't know how long this will last, but it's very sad to watch. And it made me think--sometimes, I think death, especially in elderly people, seems...natural. I mean, everyone dies. You get old, body stops working, end of story. It's sad, and painful, and all that stuff....but man. It's so NOT natural. It's so opposite of the way God intended life to happen. And it's SUCH a picture of how incredibly broken world is. Doesn't matter if you're an unborn child, a 20 year old boy, a 29 year old man, a 64 year old woman, or a 92 year old man...death is awful.

Also, it got me thinking. I've wondered before about a few things. Would I want tubes and machines to help keep me alive? No. Definitely not. When it's time to go, it's time to go. I am not interested in artificially prolonging that. But more than that, I wondered...would I want the chance to say goodbye? Would I want this in between time, when I know I'm dying, but not dead? I know many people would. But I don't. I don't want to know I'm going, don't want to sit while people cry around me, don't even want to say goodbye. I'd rather live my life knowing I don't NEED to say goodbye because things have already been said. And I sort of wonder how well I do that. In some ways, I think I do. I'm pretty confident that if I die tomorrow, my husband will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is my hero, my strength, my joy, my best friend, and the love of my life. I am sure that Trip and Joy know that they are some of the most influential and important people in my life and without their friendship I do not know where I'd be. But in other ways, I wonder. Does my mom know how much I admire and respect her? Do my little sisters know how much I love them? Do my co-workers know how much they make me look forward to coming into my job? Does my sis-in-law Kristen know that every single time we talk, I'm grinning because of how happy she always is? Do Tim, Bethany, Kat, Jill, Holly, Becky, and Brian know how closely I hold them to my heart?

Sometimes, I'm not sure. But I know that at the end of my life, if I could choose just ONE thing to have people say about me, it would be this: She loved well. That's what I want. Looks like I've got some living, and loving to do!

(Also, people should say that I'm funny. Good thing my gravestone can say whatever I want. It could even say, "Ross Geller, Good at Marriage.")