Thursday, May 21, 2009

The One With The Weirdness

I have no idea if any of my thoughts and feelings thus far this pregnancy are normal or not. I'm sure at least some of them are. But in any case, here's our journey through the past month or so.

After my miscarriage, we knew we wanted to get pregnant again quickly. Timing, finances, everything aside, losing the baby made us parents, and wanting to continue that. I went for my followup appointment and my doctor said because everything was progressing so well physically, we could begin "trying" again as soon as we wanted. I knew the cycle after a miscarriage could be iffy, so I didn't get my hopes up for being pregnant right away...well. I tried not to get my hopes up. Then, toward the end of April, I began to feel a little...weird. I kept thinking it was signs of pregnancy and at one point was SURE I was pregnant. Then, a few days later, nothing. So, I prepared myself to just focus on the coming months. Then, Saturday night, April 25, I took a pregnancy test. Not gonna lie, I'd already taken one 2 days prior which was negative, and Geoff and I had discussed not taking anymore. Plus, I knew I'd still be early and that night was the worst time to take the test. However, about 2 minutes later.....there was a faint 2nd line. I immediately ran and showed Geoff, and because it was so faint, we both pretty much just went to bed not really processing it. Sunday morning, though, brought more lines and more confirmation--I'm Pregnant. And that's where things got weird.

There was no ecstatic jumping up and down; no celebratory dinners. Were we thrilled? Yes. We prayed and prayed for another pregnancy; this was something we desperately wanted. However, we were very unprepared for the fear that we faced. I literally went through the enst 2 weeks certain I was going to lose it. I was able to hope a little, but mostly just was waiting for it to happen. Geoff was much the same. All our conversations were "So...if we actually do get to have this one..." Never once did we allow ourselves to believe that we could meet this one. I don't think this is because we didn't have faith or trust or whatever, I simply think it's because we were scared to face the pain again.

Nearly 4 weeks later, I am still very scared. Luckily, we've seen our baby, we know the heart is beating, my hormone levels are great--all signs, so far, are pointing toward a healthy pregnancy. I'm still finding it hard to really embrace the joy of this time, but I'm trying to start a little bit each day. 

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us--please, if you think of it, pray for us, and Nugget, and for the strength to face whatever comes our way. This is a wonderful time for us...and I plan on beginning to enjoy it more.


Val Nebbia - singer/songwriter said...

Hurrah! Hurray! Feeling weird has never been cooler!

Heather Nicole said...

Oh Ashley, this is just so wonderful! I just LOVE that you have heard Nugget's heart beating--what a beautiful sound. When my next little one comes along, I'm gonna try and do one of those build-a-bear things, cause apparently you can take the little recording box to your appointment and record their heart beating, then put it in the bear. I know it seems cheese-a-rific, but I know how comforting that sound is, and how great would it be to be able to hold something that sounds like your baby while you wait for them to come out, right? Anyway, I love you and Nugget and am praying for you both! You are doing GREAT Mama friend :)

M. Mcgough said...

Yay! I am so incredibly happy for you. God is so amazing isn't He? We will be praying for you three and I am so excited.

Meredith H. H. said...

Congrats! My mom actually became pregnant with me AFTER she had a miscarriage. If she had not had the miscarriage there would be no me! I'm praying for the same thing for you guys! (Not for a "me", but for the perfect child for you :)

During difficult times in my life I have always praised God for giving me life when I almost didn't have it. It's always been such a huge blessing to know about my parents' second round pregnancy surprise when they got pregnant with me :)

Much love!!

Meredith Hedges Hernandez

Rebecca said...

Oh my goodness!!! SHRIEKING for you! I am so thrilled and happy...I will immediately begin praying all goes well.

I am so happy to be preggo buddies with you again!

(ps. yeah, I "popped" early, but I think its because this is my third in four years. That's asking a lof of the uterus to stay small!) said...

Hey, Not sure if you know me, though I do know who you are from church... Oddly enough I stumbled across you from Happy's blog after reading your delightful comment on her party post. The internet/blogosphere is a crazy place, isn't it?

Anyway, I wanted to say that I think your feelings are very normal. Though I haven't been in your position I have friends who have and they described very similar feelings and after having friends go through similar situations, I felt similar fears when I was pregnant. Every time.

So, I just wanted to tell you that I don't think you are alone. I am glad things seem to be going much better this time. So glad you have a dr you like and trust. Hope you feel better soon.... enjoy that easy mac!