Saturday, August 1, 2009

The One With My Weekend Thought

Pregnancy is so weird. Sometimes I'm like "Man. I never talk about ANYTHING besides Nugget!!" And then I realize it's because so few of my thoughts are Nugget-less. It's the most all-consuming experience of my life. I thought I was bad the weeks before my wedding, but it was nothing compared to this. Especially the past 2 weeks, as we've had our appointment made and are counting down the days to our ultrasound. As I've said before, I think pregnancy-after-miscarriage comes with its own set of rules and its own pile of fears. I kept thinking I'd hit milestones that would make it better, and while getting out the first trimester was huge, I'm finding myself anxious as the ultrasound approaches. And I have wondered much exactly what I am to pray for during this time. Out of fear, I want to ONLY pray that my baby is healthy. I want to pray that I get to meet Nugget, and hold Nugget, and play with Nugget, and take Nugget to kindergarten, and watch Nugget graduate and get married and live a long happy life. The very strongest desire of my heart is to really get to know this little baby I have come to love tremendously in the past 4 months. However, I am fully aware that this is not MY baby. This is God's baby, and as I have already learned, I have no control over this child. This is sometimes a frustrating thought to me--I'm avoiding all the foods I'm supposed to; I'm taking care of my body the way I'm supposed to...I've got all the bases covered. I wish that came with the assurance that as long as I do what I'm supposed to do, my baby will be fine. But it doesn't. And I can do everything I can, knowing that in the end, I will humbly accept the sovereignty of a God who sees the future, controls the universe, and loves my baby more than I will ever be able to.

I feel like what I need to do is absolutely pray my desires to God. But I also need to daily rededicate my child to his care, and relinquish the control I pretend I have but really don't. While I was thinking through all this stuff, I found a song that basically says what I feel like pregnancy (and, while I don't know from experience, I imagine parenting in general will be like.) It's called Prayers for This Child by Sara Groves, and I love it.

"I do not know how I am to pray for this child,
As his mother I don't want my baby denied,
But in the waiting, in the waiting,
I learned to hold on to the heart of God.

Every instinct in me wants to shield him from pain,
Take the arrows of misery, heartache, and shame,
But in the sorrow, in the sorrow,
I learned to hold on to the heart of God.

I only have 2 eyes--be all seeing
I only have 2 hands--be everywhere
I do not know enough--be all knowing
I give this baby up to your care

I do not know how I am to pray for this child
I want to guard him from everything wicked and wild,
But in the trial, in the trial,
I learned to hold on to the heart of God."

Such a wonderfully neat thought. This lack of control, this fear of never knowing this child, this desire to protect my baby and the knowledge that it's not my job...these are the very things teaching me to hold on to the heart of God. So I will hold tightly, knowing that he cares for me and Nugget more than I could ever dream of. And I will pray for this sweet baby, both the desires of my heart as well as for my heart to prepared to walk whatever journey we will face.

Our appointment is on Thursday morning, and I can't wait to hopefully share all the fun details and the gender of our little Nugget! If you think of it, prayers are greatly appreciated! Thanks :)


Muthering Heights and Other Senseless Sensibility said...

That is so beautiful...Sara Groves is wonderful!


Heather Nicole said...

your feelings are so true. pregnancy is the beginning of this life long journey of letting go to Trust.

something I think about when I find myself dwelling on my child and my hopes for him, is that those thoughts and feelings you have--those hopes and dreams you have--are from God. you are learning to love like He does. to have your mind so other centered. and all those Good Things you hope for are all things God wants too. it is good to think about your child constantly. that how God thinks of you. and He is very glad you are welcoming His Blessing into your heart.

Scott said...

This is a beautiful song. It is so hard as a mother to relinquish that control we think we have. But so comforting to know that our children are in HIS arms and His arms are so much more capable than ours!

Will be praying for your sono on Thursday and for peace for you in the days leading up to it!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us this weekend!

Scott said...

ok so i didn't realize scott was logged in on blogger right now... that last comment (and this one) is from Crystal at Life At The Circus. :-)

M. Mcgough said...

I am so glad to see you holding tight to God only he can heal hurts and only he can grow bodies and only he knows what is the best for us!

Happy said...

This was such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart with us in this way.

Praying for your ultrasound and I will be checking in Thursday afternoon for all the news....I'm marking it on my calendar! So, uhm, could you make sure you post as soon as you get home????!?!?!

:) I'm so anxious to know if Nugget is a He Nugget or a She Nugget. My guess is a She Nugget!