Monday, June 15, 2009

The One With the Whining

I've gone to update this thing a buncha times, but haven't, because I'm a little whiney during this particular phase of my life. And I realize that I shouldn't be. Having had the miscarriage, I will be the first one to jump up and tell you that I'm thankful for the symptoms of pregnancy, as I love knowing Nugget is growing and is healthy in there. I'm also aware that infertility is a huge issue right now, and I'm truly thankful for the opportunity to carry and grow a life. I really am. It's a wonderful thing, and I love knowing that I'm carrying something that Geoff and I made. It's truly a gift. All that being said....

I do not enjoy being pregnant.

I feel like the worst mom EVER by saying that, since I feel like I should be writing a post about how special this time is, or how wonderful it is, or something pleasant about it. And it is special and wonderful and amazing--in theory. I love the IDEA of growing my child and I am growing more excited by the second about meeting this little person. I am thrilled beyond belief to be becoming a mother. But I'm very, very tired of puking several times a day, and being exhausted, and being grumpy, and not fitting in any clothes made in the US (too big for normal clothes, too small for maternity clothes...) and crying for no reason, and forgetting all the words that I used to know (this weeks examples of words I have forgotten: paper clip, cilantro, and turkey.)

I can't wait to be in 2nd trimester when hopefully things will get much better and I'll be a little bit back to my usual self. We're at 10 weeks now, and Nugget has grown to about the size of a kumquat. Super cute. Next week we will get to hear his heartbeat, hurrah! I can't wait. My mom has already begun yard-saling for the little one and I'm super excited to start picking out fun baby stuff. We decided that we're staying in our apartment until next July, so we're going to have to be creative with our space and where we're putting all this baby stuff. I'm actually very excited we're not moving, since the idea of packing and moving while I'm so, I LOVE my apartment and its amazing green wall and front door and all the little things. And the baby will only be 6 months old when our lease is up, so I figure it would have been sharing a room with us for a lot of that time anyways. It won't be bad at all. We're getting very excited to open our lives to this change!

Well, I've been sicker than usual today, so Ima go to bed before I get up for work tomorrow. Happy Monday :)


Heather Nicole said...

I hear you loud and clear. I had those same exact emotions. I felt like I wasn't aloud to complain, or feel like "I don't want to be pregnant like THIS". I was jealous of all the other preg moms who were like, "I've never felt better in my life" or my fav, "yeah, these are my same jeans". Was I aloud to feel like, "this isn't fair"?


you are totally aloud to feel that way. pregnancies aren't fair. and they're not fun. some blessings are like that, I guess. it is totally possible, I believe to be full of deep gratitude and hardship all at once. I usually found it helpful to focus on the blessing, but sometimes you just have to shout out, "I really REALLY HATE this, and can't wait for it to be over!" I know I did. maybe that makes me a bad mom. I don't know. all I know is that you can love Nugget and hate being pregnant.

I think you are a wonderful mom no matter what you say.

Happy said...

Your feelings are 100% normal. I hate/despise/abhor the first trimester of pregnancy. I feel like the ugliest, most wretched, gross, stupid person that walks the planet in a comatose like state while in the 1st trimester.

Better days are around the corner, my dear.

I like Heather Nicole's response. Pregnancy is hard work and emotionally trying at times.

However, I truly feel you will feel at least somewhat better in the second trimester. If not a whole lot better.

Hang in there preggers.

We're in this together!

M. Mcgough said...

I LOVED being pregnant with my first and HATED it with my second. Why because with her it was easy and with him it was not I was sick all the time it was summer it was hot I was exhausted and All but like 2 pieces of my maternity clothes were horrible. and NO one is happy to feel like crud all the time it does not make you a "bad" mother it makes you a normal and mentally healthy one. You will be great.

Anonymous said...

I would say I had it easy but it was still awful. We were completely surprised by our little Clare and so had a whole heap of conflicting emotions other than the ones associated with pregnancy hormones. At 12 weeks you may start feeling better and by better I mean the best you've ever felt in your life. Then the baby starts moving...Hold on girl. What you're feeling is completely normal and it explains why, when given the choice, women only have so many babies in their lives. -val

Melissa said...

Ashley! I saw your facebook comments and then saw your website.. I hope it's okay that I started perusing. Your blog spoke right to my heart! I am 7 months pregnant right now and it has been such an emotional rollercoaster -- but also a period of personal growth (sloooooow growth). I went through such guilt when i found out I was pregnant -- guilt that I should be excited and overwhelmed with some maternal mush..but I wasn't. I was freaked out and not looking forward the body stuff and not looking forward to Andrew and my relationship changing. But, I feel like I am slowly getting there. She (it's a little girl) is getting so big and becoming such a real person. 2nd trimester was certainly nicer than the fist. Now I'm in the 3rd where I just feel stretched and like I am waddling around. We were only married last August, so this was pretty fast for us, too. My heart is encouraged that you have felt so many of the same emotions i have. :) I wish you and Geoff the best! We are living in Herndon -- but aren't sure where God is going to move us. If we end up being any where near you, we should have play dates! :)

Take care!
Melissa (Lay) McQuillen

Bethany Blanchard Coleman said...

As I'm stalking all you preggo chicks, I've been wistful and wishing for number 2 to come along pronto! Then I remember what being pregnant was actually like (and I had it pretty easy)... :-P I like 'em better on the outside--way more fun. Just you wait. :)