Saturday, April 11, 2009

The One With Not So Much Handling It

Since I've blogged so much about my experience so far, and most of it has been handled really positively by both me and Geoff, I feel it only fair to post in the times when I'm not handling it so well. Not because I feel as though I owe it to my readers, since I do feel this sort of grief is very acceptably handled privately, but more because I feel like if I don't, I haven't been honest about the road that I'm walking. Facing it this way is a good way for me to able to look back and see the truth of my emotions in this and not just the easy times of it.

I'm terribly, terribly sad today. It actually started last night after the Good Friday service, and my poor husband had to watch me sob myself to sleep. In grief, there's so many different stages. I feel I've successfully passed through stage where I know my baby is gone. However, the permanence of that is still hitting me. I understand the pain of, there is no baby right now. The thought of the spring...summer...fall...and winter, when he would have been due....that keeps hitting me in little ways. I'm NOT pregnant. This baby isn't going to be here in November, he won't have a birthday, he won't go off to school. The pain of the future is becoming a little more real to me. I miss being pregnant, and I miss the little baby I won't get to meet.

That's all I have for today. God is still good. Still in control. He's convinced me of that, strongly enough that even on days like today, I still know it's true. And as I was so wonderfully reminded last night, I am NOT God. I would make a terrible, terrible God and I rest in the true God alone for my strength in the midst of the darkness. I'm tremendously thankful for the people he's placed on this road with me to love me and push me along through the bad days.


Rebecca said...

I sincerely hope that today is a better day and that the days will get increasingly better for you guys.

Much love, Rebecca

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost two babies early in my marriage and it's a very surreal experience. Even after almost 20 years have pasted since the first one, I still think about the babies I didn't get to have, when their birthdays would have been. Fortunately, I had two babies later and time healed the intense hurt, but I do still think about them. Even though you aren't going to deliver a baby, you have begun the journey of motherhood. Many blessings to you!

Anonymous said...

oops...even after almost 20 years have past...

sorry I didn't edit before I sent this