The One With Handling It

It's been a long few days for us, and I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words. Each facebook wall posting, message, chat, text message, voicemail and visit has been cherished. I have gotten more hugs in the past 3 days than I have in the past month...and I love me some hugs.

We, overall, are handling our loss quite well. What I mean by that is that I am not struggling with believing lies or giving into asking questions I should not be asking. I do not think that this was my fault, or that there was anything I could do to change it. I'm not scared that this is some sign I am incapable of carrying children. I believe that these things happen, that they are outside of our control, and that this side of heaven I will never understand why I will not hold the child I was growing. I'm not going to try. One of my favorite lines from a MercyMe song is a line in "Homesick" where he says, "Help me, Lord, cuz I don't understand your ways/And the reasons why, I wonder if I'll ever know/But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same." And I think that's a very profound point. Understanding why would not help me miss my baby any less. The sadness is coming from a loss, and I believe I am supposed to mourn that loss. I am not supposed to wallow, or sink into depression, or give into anger, despair, or any of that--but mourn, yes. I don't need to understand why this happened. I need to understand that my baby is with Jesus, and that I have completed the job I was called to do.

Geoff is doing well, too. He has been a wonderful support for me. It's funny, because SO many women say they deal with this on their own because they physical aspect of it adds so much more to deal with. In some ways, I agree. But I also think that because it happened so early in my pregnancy, we are dealing with some of the same emotions. What I mean is that, because I was so early (and I don't know if what I'm about to say is completely normal or not) I bonded much more with the IDEA of my child than actually physically WITH my child. I mean, yes, my body began to change, and I was aware of what was happening, but I wouldn't say I really felt like I bonded with the physical part of things. So I think both of us are extremely broken over the idea of losing our child, and he can grasp that just as well as me.

The harder part about dealing with the physical part of things for me is that it's such a continuing process. Without going into way too much detail that no one needs or wants to know, my biggest prayer right now is simply for the bleeding to stop. It's very hard to accept the "loss" when it's more of an ongoing "losing." I feel as though I will be able to more effectively move on and become actively involved in life again when that side of things is complete. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to see how everything is going and making sure everything is ok. I'm very thankful that this appointment worked out at a time where Geoff will be able to come with me.

I do feel as though we're handling it well in the sense that we firmly believe God's graciousness and goodness are not absent from us and our current situation. This does not mean we are ok. Our hearts are hurting and broken, and there are many, many tears that have been shed and will continue to pour out. We miss our baby, and the excitement all the planning and talking of being parents was bringing us. Our days are long, and my nights have been longer. I have had a lot of trouble sleeping, and I'm very tired.

But again, God is good. Above all, he is working for HIS glory, not mine. Some have asked if we regret telling so many people--Absolutely not. I'm very proud and feel blessed to have carried that life for as long as I got to, and I'm thankful for everyone who shared our joy. And now we have just as many people to share our sorrow. That is what the body of Christ is for! Is it going to be hard to answer the question, "How's the baby?" Sure. Does that pain negate the sheer joy we felt for 11 days that we got to be his parents? Not at all. 

Thank you for your continued prayers. Our pain is sharp at times, and our trust in God does not diminish our sadness. We are fully confident that His glory is already being revealed in this situation, and while this is not what I would have chosen for myself, I am trusting that he will give me exactly the strength I need to get through each moment. I love you all.

The One With the Longest Day of My Life.

Baby Ward is no longer being grown in me. Now, he's being grown in heaven. It has been a long, and tremendously sad day.

Perhaps I should be sleeping. But I want to remember the details of the day as they happened. And I know many of those that love us will want to hear the story as well. Sorry if there's too much info about anything. But it's my blog...it's how I roll.

Yesterday, I had some mild cramping in the afternoon. I didn't worry too much about it, and decided just to relax, drink some tea, and take it easy for the evening. I began to feel better and didn't think anything else of it. This morning I woke up feeling pretty horrible, and was thinking this must be the day I began feeling morning sickness (until this point, I'd had no symptoms other than extreme exhaustion.) I went in for my shift at work, but was convinced by my dear friend and assistant Tim that I should go back home, rest for a little bit, and come back in the afternoon to finish out my shift. We debated for awhile (I didn't want to be a wuss) but I finally agreed and came home. I decided to try and get some food in my system, as I also needed to take my pre-natal vitamin and knew it might make me more nauseous. I cooked some eggs, and then went to use the bathroom before I sat down with my plate. I sat on the toilet, looked at my underwear and saw a big, bright red circle. Instant sobbing. I called my mom and asked her to pick me up; she immediately hung up the phone and hopped in the car. I then called my husband, who was in Lynchburg, VA and told him what was going on and asked him to come home right away. He too, hopped in his car and began the trip. I also called my dear friend Joy, who has been through this experience and was able to calm me down a little bit. Then my mom arrived, and the longest 4 hours of my life began.

As I was still not sure I was miscarrying (there was nothing so far that convinced me. just things that scared me) the ER was the place to go. However, they were having a bit of an...unprofessional day it seemed. Every step of the way took FOREVER and they didn't properly pass my charts around, so every single person I saw (which totaled 7) had to ask my name and "Why are you here?" Super fun question to answer. The lady who did my ultrasound was a nutcase. She barely spoke English, and asked me if I was pregnant. (If you don't know that, stop touching me and find someone who's at least GLANCED at my chart.) Also, in the middle of the transvaginal sonogram (ps. NOT comfortable) someone busted in while I was spread eagle. Most embarrassing thing ever. People need to knock. Always. End of story. 

(Luckily, my mom stayed by my side every step of the way today. I can't explain how thankful I am for that.)

About an hour into this experience, I went to the bathroom and knew for sure that I had miscarried, as much more evidence greeted me in the toilet. However, once you start, you can't very well diagnose yourself and leave, so you're stuck in the twilight zone of complete stupidity. I FINALLY was diagnosed with a miscarriage and got to leave. It's a very weird feeling. They tell you that you "had" a miscarriage. I called people to tell them I "lost" the baby. All this makes it sound so...past tense. It's not. I'm still bleeding as I type this. It's a pretty horrible feeling, because it's like it's happening again every time I go to the bathroom. I want it to be over.

Physically, the pain is not nearly what it could be. I was only about 6 weeks, thus my body is having a relatively easy time of doing everything it needs to. I'm still cramping, but it's nothing worse than period cramps. I'm tired and have a headache, but that's more due to all he crying I've done. Strictly physically speaking, I'm very blessed that things are going the way they are.

Emotionally, we're having a rough time of it, but holding up. I was extremely glad to get a visit from my friend Joy and even more happy to finally see my sweet, sweet husband. This sounds horrible, but I'm going to say it anyway. Geoff is very, very sad about this and it's making it much easier for me. I know many women who have said they feel lonely because their husbands don't "get" what a terrible loss it is. Geoff is grasping the pain of all of this and basically handling it as badly as me. (Not that we're doing horribly. Just that he is feeling the same pain.) As hard as it is to see him hurting so much, it's also a comfort to have his sweet tears mixing with mine instead of crying alone. I know he would comfort me either way, but to share it together is so much better.

Those who know me know that I do NOT spout off happy, Christian, bible-college things to say unless I firmly believe them. There have been times in my life when I have been so bold as to admit that I lacked the belief that God was good, or in control; times when I've openly questioned his sovereignty. If I did not believe this to the depths of my being, I would NOT say it: God is good. God is deeply good, and he has us in the palm of his hand. This world is broken. Our bodies are broken. Our lives are broken. I do not believe God "took" our baby. I believe God is mourning our loss, because this is not how life and pregnancy were intended to go. This is brokenness being displayed. I believe that God allowed us this pain, that he is above our pain, and that he is in control of every aspect of our lives. I believe that our sweet baby is now with him, and that we were his parents exactly as long as we were meant to be. 

My heart is deeply broken tonight as I type these words. I thought that I was out of tears--I was wrong. But I'm so thankful for God's grace and mercy, which will be new again in the morning, and are covering us tonight. I'm thankful for the amazing man I have been blessed to walk this road with. I will be leaning on his strength more than ever. He has been my joy, my laughter, my rock. I will need him more, and I know I can trust him to hold me. I'm so thankful for the body of Christ, which has reached out and covered us today. Our familes, friends, loved ones...each word has touched our hearts. We love you all, and are thankful for the love you've shown us. Thank you for your continued support, encouragement and prayers. Many have asked for tangible ways to help--honestly, I have no answer for you. Prayers and love are enough right now. We'll get through it. It's a long road to walk. But we will walk it with grace and strength. 

We remain,

Mommy and Daddy of Baby Ward :)

The One With Calling Him Sam.

Geoff and I are back into a "Friends" phase. After we found out I was preggo, we watched The One With the Embryos a few times...and now we're hooked again. We've been through this phase twice before, and I must admit I love it. This means at night before we go to bed, we pop in a dvd to watch "an episode." Or...7. Whatevs. I feel like now we might as well, since when we're getting up a few times a night with a kid, we prolly won't be staying up as late with our old Friends. Sounds worth the trade to me!

Like I said in the last post, we're definitely hoping for a boy. So much so, in fact, that we already call the baby "Sam." I get texts at work all day that say "I love you and Sam!" or "How is Sam? Is he making you hungry again??" I love it. Also, in case anyone wanted to know, Sam is about the size of a lentil this week AND his heart will start beating!!! How crazy is that??? (Also, just to clarify, I don't have a feeling he will be a boy. I just want him to be a boy. It's not like an instinct or something.) I do know we'll end up being thrilled regardless of what it is, I just figured if that's the case, there's nothing wrong with hoping a little!

The Little Lentil is making me completely exhausted. I have so much more respect for women who do this with a gaggle of other small children. I have one of the more exhausting jobs one could have while preggo--but it ends when I come home. And I come home SLEEPY! Granted, I've also still been making sure to hit the gym most days, which prolly contributes to that too (and, yes, I'm working out safely for baby!) I'm getting overwhelmed by all the avoid/don't avoid foods and drinks. The only one I'm having a problem with is herbal tea. There seem to be many conflicting reports on the effects. So far I haven't had any, but it's by far the hardest one for me to give up. I can ease up on caffeine...fish...actually, all processed foods; I'm trying to eat all-natural...but I love me some tea. And 3 days before I found out, we splurged BIG TIME at teavana on a bunch of loose teas.

I'm probably more cautious than I need to be, but I am slightly concerned about the possibility of miscarriage. I know personally 7 people who lost babies at 8 weeks, and a dozen more through friends. That's a pretty big number, I mean, I don't even have that many friends. And you don't have to tell me that it's in God's control, or that worrying won't help, or that more often than not pregnancies are fine and normal. I am fully aware of all these things. I am trusting God with this new life, and I know worrying won't change anything. I'm also not stressed out to a concerning level--it's not keeping me up at night or anything. Just a mild concern in the back of my mind at times. When we pray over the baby at night, we also pray that we are being prepared to handle whatever God has chosen for us. We definitely also pray our desire that our child be born complication-free...but we're trying to be ready for anything.

Anyways, my hubby is going to Lynchburg today to see some buddies (and I'm having an Anne of Green Gables sleepover while he's gone!!!) so Ima go wake him up and push him out the door so he gets there in time. Thanks for stopping by!

It's a BABY BLOG!

That's right...the newlywed blog has officially become a baby blog! Geoff and I are expecting a little bundle of joy...and since most of the questions we're asked are the same, I thought I'd start of with a little q&a. Here goes nothin!

How far along are you?

Not very!! I'm just 5 weeks along, and we do realize it's still very early to be sharing the news with everyone. Our feeling is that God has already chosen the path we will walk with this new life, and we're excited to be part of whatever it is. We want to share the excitement and joy with everyone, and should something change, we will share that with everyone as well. We're thrilled to have the support and encouragement of so many (Especially those of you who have been pregnant and love sharing your advice! I'm a sponge. Tell me everything!)

When did you find out?

March 17, St Patrick's Day! I was actually sure that the test was going to come out negative, so I waited until Geoff went to work. I took the test, then went back into the kitchen to start baking a cake. 3 minutes later I went to the bathroom, glanced and prepared to see the negative test, as usual (I may have taken a few of these...) Instead, I was staring back at TWO LINES! Needless to say, I never got around to finishing that cake!

How did you tell Geoff?

One of our most favorite episodes of Friends is "The One With the Embryos." There is a scene where Phoebe is hanging upside down on the couch trying to make the implanted embryos "stick" in her uterus, and she sings this song: "Are you in there little fetus? In 9 months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas." I love to sing that little song, and so I immediately went to buy a tiny little pair of infant Adidas, put my preggo tests (yes, I took two) in the shoe box, and drove to Chick-Fil-A for his break. He opened the box, and pulled out the tests..."Are these real??" (Yes, Geoff. You can't buy fake positive pregnancy tests...) "Are they YOURS??" (Um, no. I brought you someone else's pee stick...of course they're mine!) "What does this MEAN??" (It means we're having a baby, sweetheart.) At this point, Geoff began to giggle. So I began to giggle. And we both just sat there, giggling, and unsure of whether or not to believe it!!! It took us about 3 days to get over the shock.

Were you trying?

Such a weird thing. No, we were not "trying." But we also weren't doing much to prevent it. We decided a few months ago to let God decide when we become parents....and he picked now!! We did not expect it this soon (though, scientifically speaking, I guess we should have....) but we are THRILLED. We already can't wait to meet this little person!

When are you due?

November 25, Day before Thanksgiving! (and crazy timing for me--I'm going to miss the whole holiday season at Starbucks! My assistant manager may not top the list of thrilled people...haha.)

Are you hoping for a boy or girl?

BOY!!! all the way.

Have you picked any names?

Samuel Brandon for a boy; Zoey Joy for a girl

How are you feeling?

Exhausted!!! But so far no morning sickness...keeping my fingers crossed!

Thanks for stopping by :)

Welp, another month, and another failed attempt at "regular" blogging. Ohhhh boy. I'm not so good at that. Which sort of surprises me, since I was super good at remembering to update my Xanga (and I'm fairly certain my life was not all that much more interesting in my college years as it is now.)

It was a pretty fun month in our lives--Geoff turned 25, hooray!! It was fun to be married for this birthday, so I could do little things like jumping up and down on the bed at midnight yelling "Happy birthday!! It's your birthday!! You're 25 todayyyyyy!!!" It was super fun. I threw him a little surprise party, his folks took us out to lunch, and then some friends took us out to Chevy's (we are completely addicted to Chevy's salsa...mmmmm) The week after his birthday we went to stay at a little hot tub cottage in Virginia where we relaxed and enjoyed the wonderfulness of not having anything to do....it was great to get away with just the 2 of us. We also got to stop and spend an evening with Kristen, my sister in law that lives in Lynchburg. We got to go out on an awesome double date with her and her boyfriend and it was great to finally see her apartment and her wonderful life :)

I'm very pleased that it's finally March and thus the weather should begin turning soon...I hate winter SOOOOOO much. I'm pretty miserable when it's cold out..it affects my mood, my energy level, everything. Granted, being a newlywed has sorta made this one a little better than all the other ones! Having someone to always cuddle with has done wonders for my temperament :)

I feel like the details of our daily lives really aren't tremendously exciting, and that mayhaps I will begin using it to actually blog thoughts. Yes. I think I shall. But not today. Gotta wake up husband.

Blogging...from the boy.

Actual conversation from the Wards today:

Me: Babe! There's new pics of Liam up today! (disclaimer: I sort of freakishly stalk your blog, Clement Crew, on account of the fact that your baby is the cutest boy I've ever seen. I also may, or may not, have watched the video of him laughing every day for the past week or so. )

Him: Maybe one day you should make our blog good, too.

Me: Have you ever even looked at our blog?

Him: Once.

Me: Ok, babe. You write this one. Tell me what to type about our lives.

Him: Ok. You should say, ok everyone. We've been really sick this week. Geoff has the squirts and poops water, and Ashley throws up a lot.

Me: Ok. I typed it. What next?

Him: Ummm....well. We're really in love and that I took care of you when you were sick, and you took care of me when I was sick....and...uhhh...the end.

Me: So...pretty easy to make this interesting, huh?

Him: Look, I already told you I didn't read this thing.

Sooooo, basically, that's pretty much what's been going on. Geoff started having stomach issues on Sunday night and is STILL having them...I came down with some sort of bug on Tuesday and spent 2 days being pretty miserable. I am on quite the upswing now; we're still waiting to see what Geoff's tummy wants him to do. That's been the most exciting thing of late.

We both survived holiday pretty well, and thoroughly enjoyed our first Christmas and New Year as a married couple! It was busy, especially for Geoff as he raked in the holiday overtime at the mall but I was really proud of how hard he worked and still kept his ever positive and optimistic spirit. We also got fish!! We love them. It's fun to have something to take care of together. Geoff's still doin well at school, although not enjoying this round of classes NEARLY as much as the last round. He learns much better with discussion instead of lecture, and this one's been ALL lecture. It's cute, though, he gets on facebook and sends me messages about how desperately bored he is. I'm hoping the next one starting in a few weeks will be better for him. I can't really explain how proud I am of him for doing full time school AND work and still making me a priority. He's balancing life well. And I'm so thankful =)

I've begun my internship at the pregnancy clinic...only one night so far but it's going pretty well. Slightly more nervewracking than I'd anticipated. I mean we practiced a lot with our forms and stuff in the training class...but somehow it's a little more scary when you're actually dropping someone's pee on a stick knowing you are quite possibly about to change their lives forever. Also my philosophy seems a little different than some of the people in the clinic but we'll see how it goes. It's been a great experience so far and I'm really looking forward to getting more involved.

All in all we're living a pretty ridiculously happy life over here. We laugh entirely more than normal people. We are way too affectionate in public. And we're way too annoying on each other's facebook walls. But we're so super happy that we couldn't care less! We've also had a great time continuing to develop relationships with our friends, especially my coworkers. God's been really gracious in providing us with some really strong friendships and lots of laughter and good times. God's really been reminding me lately of his goodness, despite circumstances and despite our feelings. I'm being continually reminded of his faithfulness, especially in looking at the places he draws us out of and the places he sets us back up again. Amazing love...

Me: Sweetie, I'm about done. Anything else you wanted to add?

Him: Seriously? More?

Me: You can't even think of something to wrap it up with?

Him: Ummm...stay classy San Diego.

....And thanks for stopping by.

.....But mostly, stay classy.

(movie? Anyone? for a hint...it's in our profile, under our favorite movies.)

Almost Christmas!

Wellllll....it's December. We're already pretty tired--I'm the at the end of an 8 day working stretch; Geoff is putting in lots of overtime plus balancing school, and life is flying by. I can't believe that the day after Christmas will be 5 months of marriage! It's gone by so quickly--kinda scary!

Work has been rough for me lately. Huge labor cuts have made my job a lot more difficult, as well as added the burden of trying to make schedules that still allow us to offer good service. So far I've done an alright job, but I've still got a lot to learn before I'm really running things efficiently. All in good time. My staff has been amazingly helpful throughout all of this. I love working with some of my best friends..I've developed great relationships with a few of my employees and their spouses and it's truly been an answer to a prayer of mine and Geoff's since before we got married. While we have many wonderful relationships in our lives as individuals, and some as a couple, we had desperately wanted a group of people who got along well, and found activities to enjoy together. We love hanging out in groups, and we were thrilled to find a few other couples, all newly married in the last 2 years, who have similar senses of humor and love board games as much as we do. More importantly, they all share our faith and we've found this the most wonderful part of it. Even more wonderfully, I've developed some great friendships with the ladies of these couples and they've encouraged me more in the past few months than I was ever expecting! It's so important to me to have companionship on the journey of learning to become a great wife for Geoff. I feel like so often women are stereotyped as sitting around together complaining that their husbands didn't clean the kitchen or left the toilet seat up--but I love having being part of relationships that celebrate each accomplishment of the men we've been blessed with, no matter how big or small. We love sharing our joy together, and being there to remind each other of that joy even on the days when we might be tempted to forget!!

The other big event of life recently was the birth of Steven Patrick Coleman, born to Bethany and Daniel on December 13th. I was so excited to go to the hospital that evening and meet the little man...who truly is a little MAN. Full head of hair, strong and sturdy (born early at over 9 pounds!!) It was really beautiful to see my friend after becoming a mom. Looking back to meeting her when I was only 12...thinking through the transformation of our friendship. We've been through SO many things together--breakups, marriages, deaths..huge life changes. To see her handle the biggest change yet with such complete beauty was really wonderful. I'm so excited to watch her and Daniel become amazing parents and see how Steven grows them together.

Welp. I'm sleepy! G'night!