Our Life as Newlyweds! (Plus one!)

The One With Blogger Issues...

2010-06-13T07:46:00.001-04:00

Also, today I got mad at Blogger so I quit. Moving over to Wordpress, come and find me :)

wardfamilyramblings.wordpress.com

The One With the Six Month Old

2010-06-12T18:49:00.003-04:00

I want to start being better at documenting some of Sam's life. I'm not the most organized Mom, so right now he has no baby book he'll get to read, and I like the idea of something to look back on and remember. So here's some fun stuff about our little SIX month old!!

He is such a happy, happy little fellow. He has a big ol' grin that he loves to flash anytime his mom and dad or grandma's are around. If you are a man though, watch out--he will probably cry at you. He is just now starting some separation anxiety and gets upset sometimes if new people try to hold him. He sleeps about 11 hours every night, but is starting to do some closer to 12 hour stretches--yay!! Naps are hit or miss--every other day he takes all naps less than an hour, then he'll take some two hour naps the next day. He usually can't stay up longer than about 2 hours without needing a nap.

No solid foods for this boy yet--we're trying to hold off because of how early he was and he had so many digestive issues. Luckily, he has improved so much since he was born and is on NO more medications, goes #2 on a regular basis, and can have regular (and by regular, I mean Costco brand) formula. Yay for saving lots of $$$--his sensitive formula was crazy expensive! He LOVES his exersaucer and a floor mat that he kicks his little feet at. His favorite song is "You are My Sunshine" except that I change the words to "You are My Sammy." He thinks it's so funny. He also has this funny new habit of liking to suck on my face. He grabs it in both of his hands and then latches on and gets slobber everywhere--so gross, but too cute to stop! He also loves to touch his Daddy's face, I think because he has some facial hair. He still loves to talk and coo at us and has recently started laughing. He hasn't quite mastered rolling from his back to front yet, but he is SO close. He also isn't really much interested in crawling yet, but it's early yet. He's got time. He also loves going for walks in his jogging stroller because he can sit up like a big boy!

Overall he is a healthy, happy little man and we love him more every day!! He is sweet and just the happiest thing in our whole lives. I can't believe it keeps getting more fun--I can't wait for the next 6 months :)

The One with All the Sleepiness

2010-06-04T19:30:00.002-04:00

I'd first like to thank all the moms of more than one child that listened to my whining when I was pregnant with Sam. Because for real--what else did I have to do but nap?? For some reason I remember feeling like there was all this stuff to do, and I was always "sooo tired" and stuff, and looking back, I'm thinking, "WHAT!? I had NOTHING to do!!" Haha, long gone are the days of the daily naps, the days off spent lounging in my pjs. Having another baby while growing a baby definitely adds a different dynamic to things. But I think overall, I'm being much better in my attitude this pregnancy. I'm not going to lie--I don't enjoy being pregnant. I just don't. I am not a fan of the sickness, the tiredness, the lack of control over my body (and eventually, my bladder as well....oh sweet things to come....) However, having been through it, and seen what wonderful amazingness it produces, I'm feeling much more grateful for it this time around. There just aren't words that can explain how much we love those little people that we get to be parents to, and now that I understand that, I am much more excited to experience the pregnancy part of things. I'm curious to see if this little one will be a crazy little fetus like Sam, or if maybe this little one is our laid back baby :) (Hint to belly: Please, please, PLEASE be our laid back baby!) It might also have something to do with the fact that this pregnancy seems to be FLYING by for me. We found out we were pregnant at about 3 weeks (even though I thought I was over 5 weeks at that point!! Seriously--long cycle, people.) and with Sam I felt like those first few weeks just went by SOOOO slowly. But here we are at almost 11 weeks and I can barely remember where any of those weeks have gone! I feel like it's going to be December in no time at all!

So for now, I'm just plugging along, excited to hopefully experience a second trimester burst of energy (and maybe no more puking!!) And trying to take a nap every now and then :P

The One With a Little Q&A

2010-05-29T21:14:00.002-04:00

So let's start with everyone's favorite:

Was this planned?

Hahahaahahaha. Just give me a minute to stop laughing. Ok. I'm back. But seriously--no. We're totally believers that this pregnancy is 100% planned by God, but it definitely did not enter into our plan. This is the result of a shockingly long cycle, and some naivety in counting. What can I say? After you have a kid, everything is all screwy. And we were never good at math, anyways.

When are we due?

December 28, based on an early ultrasound. I'm hoping for a January 2011 baby, though.

Are we hoping for a girl or boy?

Last time we were desperately hoping for a boy. This time, we still are hoping for a boy, but are less set on it. My gut feeling right now is that this one is a girl, so we'll see if I'm right. We mostly just think it would be fun, since they'll only be a year apart, to have 2 little boys to grow up together. But, a little girl would be fun too. Plus, I like our girl name a lot, and we haven't settled on a boy name yet.

How am I feeling?

In some ways better than with Sam and in other ways worse. With Sam I had terrible sickness that lasted all day, every day, until almost halfway through my pregnancy. I'm about 10 weeks now, and have definitely had some rough days. I got some medicine that works great WAY earlier this time though, and my sickness has been actual morning sickness that subsides as the day goes on. I've had more nausea this time, but overall am managing better. I am exhausted basically all the time, but hoping that passes in the next few weeks.

How are we doing emotionally?

On the one hand, I feel like I'm supposed to say I've been excited since day one, and am still excited every day. But I feel like being honest is important. There have been many, many tears. Some days we're totally overwhelmed at the thought of 2 babies a year apart. Some days we're nervous and anxious and have a million questions about how we will make it work. But at the end of the day, we always come back to this: We trust God. His plan for our lives has ALWAYS been better than our plans for ourselves. We already love this little baby like crazy and are eagerly anticipating growing our family. The further along I get, the more excited we get.

Are there physical risks to getting pregnant again so soon?

Yes and no. Any pregnancies I have from now on carry an increased risk of preeclampsia. For the pregnancy right after a pre-e one, the chances are 1 in 4 that it will return. My midwives are working with me on things like diet, supplements, etc, to ensure I have the best chance possible for a healthy pregnancy. The biggest factors in returning pre-e are the severity and time on onset. My pre-e was not nearly as severe as a lot of people get, but it did show up earlier than most people. So we'll see what happens!

Where will we deliver?

Last time our plan was to have a natural birth at a freestanding birth center. Obviously that didn't happen. Luckily, as long as my blood pressure stays normal and I carry this baby to term, I will be allowed to try the center again! This time, though, we're much more open to whatever happens, and trying not to get too set on a birth plan. All I want is a full term baby!!! I'm hoping to carry this one even a little past my due date to get his/her birthday out of Christmas week :)

Anything else anyone wants to know?? :)

The One Where I'm Going to Get Way Worse at Blogging

2010-05-11T12:47:00.001-04:00

Soo. I'm pregnant :) Baby #2 making his/her entrance in late December 2010 (Or, early January 2011, if I get my way) Busy life, here we come! That's all for now...

The One With a Sam Update

2010-04-18T19:26:00.003-04:00

Sam turned 4 months old last week. Sometimes people hear that and say, "FOUR MONTHS?? Wow! That just flew by, didn't it?" Usually I smile and nod. Sometimes I give the obligatory response "Yup! He's just growing so fast!" What I'm saying in my head is, "Really? That's interesting, because actually, this has been the longest 4 months of my whole entire life." Being a mom is hard. And exhausting. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world...but flying by? Nope.

His appointment went fabulously though. Basically we went in expecting to hear that all of his development was on a 3-month level. Premature babies usually develop according to their gestational age, not their actual age, so Sam would be totally fine if he were developing 5 weeks behind. We were excited though, because while his motor skills are right on a 3 month level, his cognitive skills have caught up to a 4 month old! He looks wonderful and healthy and has gained a good amount of weight--up to the 35th% percentile! We're really proud of him. Right now his favorite things are cooing, smiling, and sitting back on the couch while someone talks to him. He is starting to enjoy bathtime more and more and we've established a good nighttime routine. Bedtime is 7pm and he is sleeping about a 9 hour stretch every night before eating once and going back down until 7a. He is a really high maintenance baby and usually isn't happy unless he's being held, although he is getting used to sitting in his exercauser for a few minutes at a time. He rolled over for the first time a few weeks ago from front to back, but he can't roll himself back yet, so sometimes he gets himself stuck! All in all, we're having more fun as each day goes by and we enjoy seeing his little personality emerge more and more. So far, I'd describe him as difficult, stubborn, and hilarious--which surprisingly enough were exactly the characteristics he had in the womb!

Being parents has been challenging and wonderful. It's made Geoff and I communicate more and differently than we ever had to before, and we've gotten to show each other support and love in more tangible ways than ever before. Geoff has been an amazing and hands-on dad. He does almost all the night feedings and is home by himself with Sam at least one day a week plus about 4 mornings a week. Sam loves to talk and babble to us, which is the best part about coming home from a long day. Sometimes balancing our jobs, the house, each other, and Sam is a lot, but his little smile makes every day worth it, and we've been so lucky to have so much support from family and friends. I'm really looking forward to the journey continuing!

The One With Sam's Birth Story: Part Three

2010-04-06T15:46:00.003-04:00

So we're at Wednesday, December 9 (which happens to be Sam's birthday, so don't worry--the story can't go on much longer!!) My midwife came into the hospital at about 7am to check the progress I'd made overnight and to break my water. She needed me to be at about 3cm to be able to break the bag, and I was just under that. She thought she could still do it though, so she tried, and it worked! Up until then my contractions hadn't been too uncomfortable, but once my water was broken they started to get more intense.

Around noon I was still contracting regularly and couldn't sleep through them, so my midwife suggested I take some medicine to take the edge off and be able to take a nap. I wasn't sure--I'd still been wondering if I might be able to do this naturally even though things were going differently than I'd planned. I asked my midwife what she thought would be the outcome of my attempts to labor without the use of drugs. I knew I could trust her to be honest, because she works at a birth center that strongly encourages drug free labors whenever they can, and whenever it is best for mom & baby. She said that she honestly felt my labor would end up going better with an epidural. Because I was so early, my body hadn't begun going through msot of the changes it would begin to make in the weeks prior to a full term delivery. The pitocin was basically working against my body, and there was little chance I'd be able to relax enough to let my body get where it needed to be. We discussed various options, and I ended up deciding I'd take the drugs to help me sleep, but try to progress as far as I could before taking the epidural. So, I took stadol, and ended up NOT being able to sleep very much, but at least relaxed a little bit. I'd sent Geoff home to get a few things we hadn't brought with us, and by 3pm my contractions were MUCH more intense. My midwife helped me onto a birthing ball to help me work through some of the pain, but after about a minute my blood pressure shot up even higher, so I was back in the bed. Laying flat on my back was NOT a fun way to deal with contractions, but I kept pushing through. At around 530p, my midwife wanted to check me again. I'd been contracting at this point for nearly 24 hours, pretty intensely for a few hours. I was anxious to hear how things were going. She checked me...and held up 4 fingers. FOUR. I'd been just about 3cm at 7am, and now it's 530p and I've gone ONE STINKING CENTIMETER. I was so frustrated and tired, and I immediately said I was ready for my epidural. I got it at around 630p, and as soon as I got it, everything started going faster! My contractions were stronger and faster (and I couldn't feel a thing!) Around 8p, my new nurse for the night came in. I was starting to feel more pressure with the contractions, and she asked if I thought I'd need to push soon. I said, "Oh no, I think I'm good. Take your time." So she left to get everything she needed to help deliver the baby. The very second the door closed behind her, I was suddenly like 'WAIT! I need to push!!" Haha, it happened so fast! Everyone started scrambling to get things ready, and by 845p I was ready to start!

Pushing was by far the most frustrating parts of labor. It ended up taking about an hour (which I realize isn't really long, comparatively. But when I was doing it, it felt like FOREEEEEVER!) Every time I finished a push, my midwife was so encouraging and would say "Great job! You're doing so well!" And I would respond, "Then WHERE is my baby?? WHY WON'T HE COME OUT??" Finally at about 945 she called the NICU team which I knew meant he was coming out soon! Because he was so early, the NICU team had to be there to make sure he was ok and didn't need any immediate help. (I should also mention there were 2 nurses, my midwife, and my mom and Geoff, making the grand total 9 people watching me push this kid out...) Finally at 9:52pm, little Sammy made his entrance!! He came out pink and screaming and got to come right to me! I looked at his little face and was just SOO relieved and happy to see him. I was thrilled to hear that he was doing fantastic and got a 9/9 on his Apgars. He weighed 5lbs, 11oz and was 18.5 inches long. He had brown hair that was a little curly and a cute little nose. He was such a skinny little thing--needed some more time to fatten up!! But after 3 weeks of back and forth and hospital visits, we were just so thankful to have him safe and sound with us.

Everyone that reads this probably already knows that this isn't the end of the story and I'm going to keep going with the story to include his next hospital stay. But, for now, this story ends with our family of 3, happy and together and healthy! And that's Sam's birth story :)

The One With Sam's Birth Story: Part Two

2010-03-30T20:21:00.003-04:00

So. We're at the Monday before Thanksgiving. Just found out I won't be having a c-section at 32 weeks. We went to sleep for the night, and the next morning found out my blood pressure was still too high to go home. This continued through Wednesday evening, when they decided that not much was being done to help me at the hospital, and I still wasn't sick enough to cause them to take the baby out, so I might as well do bedrest at home. The way it was described to me by a doctor was "Well, we're kind of playing a game of chicken. You're sick, and the baby isn't old enough to come out. We'll keep playing with the balance." Pretty much we were just waiting for me to get sick enough to need the baby to come out.

I'd love to tell you I spent the time hoping Sam would stay put and handled it all really well, but I didn't. This whole time was extremely frustrating for me. I was off work, wasting my maternity leave, not having a baby, spending loads on hospital bills, etc. I was so ready to be done with all the back and forth. Plus, I wasn't feeling well. I went home the night before Thanksgiving, and ended up back in the hospital again on Friday night for the same issues. Went home that weekend, and this all continued for the next two weeks. I got sent to the hospital after every appointment because my blood pressure would skyrocket. At 35 weeks, I got sent to a Fetal Medicine center to get a high level ultrasound and talk to a high risk doctor. While we were there (this was a Monday afternoon) my blood pressure spiked again, and the doctor took one look at me, and got me an immediate room at the hospital and sent me there with these words "You are NOT leaving the hospital until you are holding a baby."

By this time, I was SO ready. But also so tired of the back and forth. I'd been told SO many times that my baby was going to be out "soon" only to be sent back home that I stopped believing everyone. And sure enough, a few hours after being admitted, a different doctor decided I could go back home. I started to meltdown a little, then another nurse came in and said, "Hold on. You're not going anywhere. We've got to get this baby out." Then...she walked out. Um, hello? What? Please. Explain. Something. ANYTHING. Finally I saw the familar face of one of my favorite midwives walk in. I looked up at him pitifully and said, "David? Can you please get this baby out of me?" To my surprise, he said, "Yup! We're going to." He explained that the platelets had dropped again, which combined with my blood pressures, convinced them that it wasn't safe for me to remain pregnant. The plan was to induce me and hopefully let me deliver the baby without needed a c-section. The only problem is, at 35 weeks, my body wasn't quite ready for everything that was about to happen. Luckily, there was already some effacement and Sam had dropped, but my cervix wasn't ready at all. They decided to take things as slow as they felt comfortable with so that I had the best shot of delivering him naturally. That night I got some ripening gel and they started a VERY slow pitocin drip. I was supposed to get another batch of gel before bedtime, but luckily my contractions had already become so regular I didn't need it! They upped my pitocin and gave me some medicine to help me sleep for the big day ahead. I had contractions through the night but slept through them (sort of!) and woke early the next morning. It was really weird to have been through so much back and forth and know that this was FINALLY it. (My midwife laughed at me bc I asked after the gel if they could "take back the induction." I just still wasn't convinced they were going to let me have this baby!!)

I spent that night being really nervous about the next day. I'd had so many plans and goals for my birth experience, and so far nothing was going like I'd planned. I was nervous about labor and delivery, nervous about Sam's health with being early, nervous about the induction failing and needing a c-section, nervous about EVERYTHING. But when I got up the next morning, I was just ready to get things started.

Also, this story is taking way longer than I thought!! Haha, he hasn't even been born yet and I feel like this story has gone on forever. But, oh well. I bet one day he will love reading about the story of his coming into the world! Stay tuned for part three :)

The One With Sam's Birth Story: Part One

2010-03-29T19:58:00.003-04:00

So, I'd these grand plans of writing Sam's birth story right after he was born. It was going to be a lovely story of my journey through natural childbirth, with pictures of the drug-free birthing center. You'd have been awed at my pain-management skills and congratulated me on getting through labor with no assistance. I would then tell you all about how great breastfeeding was and how it's always the best thing for the baby. It was going to be an award winning piece of work. The only problem is, if I still told you that story, it would be an award winning work of fiction. So instead, though it's 4 months late, here's Sammy's real entrance into the world story! Or at least part one :)

I guess the story officially started at 32 weeks. It was a crazy insane week of work for me--the holiday launch, which is always one of the busiest and most challenging weeks of the year. We transform the store into winter wonderland, and this all happens overnight. I had planned on my assistant running the setup and work the overnight shift, but then he got moved to another store and there was no one else to do it. So I ended up doing it myself, plus working some crazy shifts other days that week. My 32 week appointment was on Wednesday night that week, and I'd been feeling a little funny but just blamed it on being tired from not sleeping and working so much. When I get to my appointments, I always weighed myself and then tested my urine for protein and glucose (both indicators of pregnancy complications.) Right away I noticed there was protein, but waited to see what the midwife would have to say. We sat and chatted for a few minutes and then she took my blood pressure. I could tell right away something was wrong, and she was pretty concerned. She wanted me to do some further testing and come back on Friday morning for a follow-up appointment. I wasn't allowed to work for the remainder of the week and was on strict bedrest until the follow up. I was immediately really scared of getting put on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy--if I had begun my leave at 32 weeks, I would have had to come back when the baby was only 6 weeks old, and I was planning on having a full 12 at home with him.

So, home we went. I tried to relax and take it easy, but Friday didn't go well. I was put on bedrest indefinitely, was told I was not allowed to work anymore, and had to go for more labs and testing. Most everything seemed to be holding ok, so they weren't super scared and sent me home for the weekend and told me to come back Monday (which was also the week of Thanksgiving.) I had some meltdowns over being put on bedrest, but also started to get nervous that the baby would need to come sooner than he was ready. I spent the weekend resting as much as possible and Geoff was wonderful at taking care of me! Our families and friends pitched in, too. On Monday, we got to my appointment, and my midwife took my blood pressure first thing. He immediately sent us to the hospital. They were suspecting preeclampsia and knew that it could all go downhill quickly. So, I got to the hospital and my blood pressure went back down and it seemed like we were going to get to go home shortly after. But then, my midwife came back in and said, "Well, we might be meeting a baby tonight." I was really scared because I knew at 32 weeks, my baby was NOT ready to come out! But the midwife explained that my platelet count had taken a pretty significant drop and if it continued to drop, I'd be having an emergency c-section that night. So, we got admitted and waited until midnight for another test that would determine if Sam was born that night or not. It was the longest few hours ever!! But around 1:30a, the doctor came in and said that we weren't having him that night!!

Well. That's part one. More will have to come later. :)

The One With the Letter

2010-03-10T10:39:00.003-05:00

So, working full time and being a mom and having a new house is making blogging harder than I expected. I'm tryin, but it's just not happening. In any case, just thought I'd share this with you all. We had Sam's dedication at church a few Sundays ago, and we wrote him this letter. We will give it to him whenever he becomes a Christian, and it's a few of our prayers for him. Enjoy :)

Dear Sam,

Today you came to know the Lord as your personal savior. We are so proud of you and so excited for you as you embark on this journey to know God more personally. You are such a blessing to us and we could not be more proud of what a great young man you have become.

On December 9^th you changed our lives forever. During the time we waited to meet you, we imagined the person you would be. When the time finally came, you made a dramatic entrance, and our lives would never be the same. You came into this world just a tiny bundle of joy, and while you’ve experienced few milestones as we sit to write this letter, we are already thrilled with each thing you learn. Right now, we track your growth by ounces and inches—but we hope that you always know our deepest hopes for you are about the growth of your heart.

We pray that you will be a man of compassion—that you will look for those in need and reach out to help them. We pray you will have integrity—that in a world where the right thing is often the hard thing, you will have courage to make good choices, even when no one is looking. We pray for a heart of peace—that you will not be overwhelmed by challenges you face, but rest in the One who is holding you. We pray that you will be a good steward, and wisely use the gifts and talents that God has blessed you with. We pray for wisdom—that you will earnestly seek the will of God in your life and make your decisions thoughtfully.

Sometimes it is sad to think that you will have to grow up in a broken world. We know that in your life, you will face sadness, loss, grief, and pain. We cannot, as hard as we may try, protect you from these things. But we hope that you wake up every morning knowing that you are deeply loved—loved by your family, and loved by God. Our love isn’t perfect, and we know that we will fail you. But our greatest prayer is that we are constantly pointing you to the One who will never fail you, and the One who knew you before we even got to meet you. We are so thankful that you have chosen to make Him a part of your life and give your heart to Him. We love you more than we will ever be able to tell you, and we are so proud to call you our son.

Love, Dad and Mom

The One with All the Scheduling

2010-02-22T19:28:00.004-05:00

So, I'm back to work. This is actually the start of my second week, and so far I am really enjoying it. I was SO nervous about going back and trying to balance work and mommy-hood and getting overwhelmed...but I am honestly loving it. I am totally and completely exhausted. But happy. I LOVE my coworkers so much--they are some of the funniest and most wonderful people I've ever met. They've truly made me look forward to every shift that I've worked and have made the hours fly by. I have a new boss, who I also think is phenomenal, and about a thousand times better than my old boss. Sammy has also been quite cooperative and has decided to sleep a lot more at night--including an EIGHT hour stretch last night. That's right. Eight hours. Then, he ate and slept for 4 more. Ohh, happy days. I love that little boy. I do miss him when I work, but it's so nice to come home to his smiley little face! And I like him more the more that he sleeps.

On that note, I would like to take a moment and toot the horn of BabyWise. I am fully aware that this is a somewhat controversial method, and I in no way am suggesting that this plan is good for all babies and all mommies--just tellin ya what worked for us!

I originally disliked the idea of scheduling my baby. It seemed kinda mean--like, if he wants to sleep, shouldn't he just be allowed to sleep? And if he feels like being awake, that's great, too! He'll figure it out.

Ha! Yeah, he figured it out all right. One night around 6 weeks, he was up almost the entire night, sleeping in chunks of less than an hour. The next day, I thought, "Forget this! I'm scheduling his little butt no matter what!" Basically, I thought, I'm bigger, stronger, and smarter than him. I should win this battle. So, scheduling we went. And it only took about 3 days before Sammy totally got his days and nights on track and began sleeping in larger chunks. He also is a much happier baby and enjoys his awake time a lot. I found that the schedule helped me know him better and figure out what he was looking for and how I could comfort him the best way.

I've pretty much become BabyWise' biggest fan. And so has my little well-rested baby boy :)

The One With All the Snow. And Then More.

2010-02-09T20:14:00.002-05:00

I am not a fan of winter. Let's just start right there. I'd be perfectly happy moving away from the 4 seasons to a place where there are only variations of warm, warmer, and hot. And, I'm not one of those people who complain about winter, and then also complain about summer. I love when it's 97 degrees and the sun is blaring down. I don't even complain about humidity most of the time. All that being said, I can appreciate a snowfall as much as the next person. It's very beautiful. It's got a magical quality about it, and I do like the way things slow down. I loved, loved, loved being snowed in with my hubby and my baby when 3 feet of snow fell a few days ago. We stocked up on enough food to feed an entire army of people, I started baking, we rented a pile of movies--the first night of the blizzard our friends even braved the elements to have dinner and watch a movie with us! It's fantastic. And ohhhh how I wish my snowy days blog post would end right there.

But no. Now, 10-20 (um, also, 10-20? Really? That's the best they can do? There's kind of a difference between 10 and 20) more inches are falling, and I am not pleased. I'm tired of all the cold, all the wetness that gets in my shoes, tired of all the moronic drivers.

However, I am keeping in mind that the snow I am cursing a little in my mind now also canceled my husband's trip to Atlanta, and that now I get to enjoy my last week of maternity leave with him!! I am very thankful for a few more days to snuggle up with my boys. After that, though...is it summer??

The One With All the New Pants

2010-02-02T19:12:00.001-05:00

So, today I went back to the gym for the first time since before I got put on bedrest at the end of my pregnancy. It's been nearly 3 months--the longest I've ever been away. And it was fabulous. Granted, probably not my best trip ever. I haven't shaved my legs since my 6 week post partum checkup (don't judge. I have a newborn, ok?), so I was wearing a pair of too-big sweatpants that tried to fall down while I ran. I was a little disoriented and lacking in decisiveness, so I wandered back and forth between machines wasting time a lot. And after about 25 minutes when I was tired, I just stopped and decided to come back home. But still--great trip.

I've been thinking lately though--having a baby was the absolute best thing that ever happened to my body image. If you'd asked me a year ago right before I got pregnant, I'd have told you I would be freaking out about the amount of weight I'd gain, about my hips spreading, about my abs disappearing and leaving behind stretch marks. But oddly enough, I am not. Being pregnant made me not care so much. In the past few years, I've had many a struggle with my body image. The way I've outwardly handled my [sometimes real, sometimes perceived] weight issues has sometimes been healthy; sometimes unhealthy. I've used disordered eating to drop pounds, and I've successfully and healthfully cut calories to lose a little excess. But I don't know if I could tell you a time in the past 4 years when inwardly my body image has been healthy or positive. So as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I got a little nervous. But as quickly as it came, it left. Now granted, first trimester I didn't have to think much about it, since I dropped a bunch of weight because of puking everything up. But once the pounds came, they came quickly. And for some reason, standing on the scale thinking "This is the lowest number I will see for the next few months" was incredibly freeing. So was the knowledge that I had no choice but to choose a healthy lifestyle and eating habits, because I was now responsible for growing another human being. When the first stretch marks popped up, I prepared myself for the inevitable freak out...and it never came. Nor did it come when 876 other stretch marks followed after that. (I am not kidding. The other day, Geoff says "Sometimes it kind of looks like your belly is on fire--it looks like there's flames everywhere!!" Don't worry--he wasn't being mean, and I wasn't offended at all. He was kidding, and it made me laugh, and he tells me every day how beautiful I am :))

I'm finding myself instead embracing the idea that my life is entirely consumed now with someone else besides myself. And that the time and energy I used to put into my attempts to lose weight or fix something is now put into the daily tasks that involve caring for my son. Life seems so much more meaningful. And, ironically, I feel much more beautiful. I'm not perfect--the first time I went shopping for new jeans, I left empty handed because I refused to buy jeans in my new size even though I found some that fit perfectly (you all know you've done it...) But, I am sitting here tonight typing in a pair of jeans 4 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy jeans, and I don't care, so I finally bought them. The cute polka dot bikini I wore last summer will never see the light of day again, but you know what? Next time I go swimming, I'm going to be dragging a bag full of SPF 982, Little Swimmies, floating devices, beach toys, and toting along a little boy. And I'm his mom, and I might have the kangaroo pouch that he used to live in forever on my abdomen. But whatevs. He's totally worth it. And I totally have more important things to think about now. So now, I get to go to the gym to be healthy and for fun--not to meet a certain caloric burn. I'm excited to embrace the new stage of my life, and the freedom it brings. I need to purchase a lot of new clothes, but whatevs :) All part of the fun!

The One With the Non-New-Years Resolution

2010-02-01T08:01:00.000-05:00

Sooo, I'm bad at blogging. I decided to make a not-quite-new-year resolution...so since it's February 1, this will be when I become a more regular blogger. I think one of the great things about blogging is that it's an easy way to document memories with a minimal amount of effort. Try as I may, I will never be a scrapbooker. I have great intentions...and I have lots of supplies (from my 6 or so times in my life where I've determined that I AM a scrapbooker, and gone out and wasted money on lots of cute paper and stickers, only to put them all in a giant rubbermaid box in my basement) but I still have only 3 pages of my entire life scrapbooked. I think I should just accept that I'm not going to do it, and move on. Blogging though--way less messy, I don't have to go down the stairs, I don't have to buy anything from Michael's to make it look good, and I don't even have to print off pictures. It's scrapbooking for the lazy and uncreative. Brilliant.

The One With Not Knowing Where to Begin

2009-12-30T06:46:00.001-05:00

I've thought about updating this a billion times, but there's so much to say that I just couldn't bring myself to actually form all the thoughts into complete sentences. And you gotta cut me some slack...cuz I'm a mommy now :)

I went to my routine 32 week appointment and we found out I have high blood pressure and protein in my urine, indicating preeclampsia. Two weeks, 6 trips to Labor & Delivery, one 4 day hospital stay, one close call with a c-section, over 20 blood draws, and one visit to a high risk specialist later, we induced my labor at 35 weeks and I had my little baby boy! Samuel Brandon was born on December 9th, 2009 at 9:52p. He weighed 5 pounds, 10 ounces and was 18.5 inches long. Came out screaming and doing just great, 9/9 apgars, and came home with us less than 2 days later. Unfortunately, once we got home, our little man got very very sick and we had to take him back to the hospital, where we stayed for nearly 2 weeks. Thankfully, our little family got to come home on Christmas Eve together!!

So far being a mom has been the greatest, scariest, most exhausting, most wonderful thing in my entire life. Sam is doing much better now that we're home again, and is up to 6 pounds! He is doing pretty well with sleeping at night, at least sometimes, and is basically just our favorite thing ever! At some point, I'll have to get my birth story written down just so I don't forget it. But for now, I gotta sleep because he's sleeping! :)

The One With...Um, I don't know

2009-11-12T19:54:00.001-05:00

So, much has happened in the past month, plus we've been internet-less, so pardon my absence. I'm feeling super tired, and a little blah, so I'm just runnin through the highlights...

--We closed on our house on October 30th. It is beautiful and amazing and wonderful and my family, especially my mom, has helped us unpack and get things organized. It's been wonderful.

--We still have a billion things to do before Sammy is born. We need to put up a wall so I can do his nursery, organize our basement, decorate the living room, and various other unpacking things. If I think of all this for too long, I cry. So we don't do that much. I just pretend he isn't due in 8 weeks.

--I have selected a new birthplace...we're going to Special Beginnings in Arnold and are planning on a delivery at the birth center (provided Sam makes his entrance between 37 and 42 weeks and doesn't try to be breech.) Both Geoff and I are VERY comfortable with the idea of the center and are thrilled to be (hopefully) avoiding a hospital birth. For us it's a great option and so far we are loving the experience.

--My assistant at work got stolen. My boss decided he needed to "borrow" him until Christmas, basically, so I'm a little bummed at this turn of events. Running a Starbucks Holiday while being hugely pregnant is not on my list of fun things to do. But, the 12 weeks I'll have off snuggling my baby boy should make up for it.

--I'm getting uncomfortable. Please don't tell me how much worse it gets. I am aware that Sam will most likely be doubling his weight between now and birth, and that I'm going to get a lot bigger and more uncomfortable, but that's also on my list of things not to think about. Most of the time I do ok, but certain positions that Sam likes to find himself in are NOT conducive to his mommy's extremely short torso. The boy does not know what the fetal position is. We've got superman down pretty good though. He also doesn't know what head down position is, so hopefully he'll find that this month. He's still got plenty of time to figure out where he belongs.

Nothing much else to report at the time being. Life is good. I love my house, my family, my husband, my baby, and occasionally even my job. I also love that I'm about to go to bed.

The One With My Lack of Packing

2009-10-15T17:05:00.001-04:00

Soo, if you were due to have a baby in about 12 weeks, and you knew you were moving in about 3 weeks, would you be packing like crazy and and cleaning, getting ready for the big day? If you answered yes, please come over to my apartment. Right now. Because I'm watching a Friends DVD, tearing store bought biscuit dough into pieces and throwing it into my crock pot so I can call them "dumplings" and researching places to give birth.

Wait, what? I'm about into my third trimester. Shouldn't I know where I'm giving birth? Why, yes. I should. Let's talk about that.

I love my doctor. I really, really, really love him. He's wonderful. But he works in a gross hospital. Maybe it's not actually gross, but it feels gross. And the people aren't that nice. And it's in the city, and so are rats. I don't like cities, or rats, or family waiting rooms where the lampshades have been hacked up with pocket knives. So I was willing to sacrifice all of my own comfort (as well as the money it costs to PARK. when you're a patient. I won't ever not be bitter about that. Do you understand what I'm going in there to do? And you're going to CHARGE me to leave my car here?) because I love my doctor so much. Then, I started hearing about what doctors actually do in labor...that is, catch the baby on his way out. I'm tellin you what, by the time I'm dilated, and pushing, I couldn't care less who is on the other end of the bed to catch him. Whoever, whatever. So, I would like to not be in that gross hospital. This means, though, that I have to change doctors. At this point, that's ok with me...I feel very nervous and uncomfortable when I think about giving birth at Mercy, and I feel not scared and anxious when I think about giving birth somewhere else. That, to me, says more than enough.

So, now I need to figure out what I'm doing. I think my first choice right now is going through a birth center midwife at the hospital in Annapolis. I'm going to take a tour there soon. Second choice is the new maternity ward at Baltimore Washington and we're taking a tour there this weekend. So, we'll see. Nothing like making decisions last minute!! Also, my glucose test is next week...ohhhh joy.

In other news, house things are progressing. We don't actually close the 7th...we have to close BY the 7th. And we close as soon as our paperwork goes through. Like, potentially by the end of this month. Yikes!

I for real should be packing.

Other things to do this month: paint something cool on my belly for Halloween.

The end.

The One with The House. Part 2.

2009-10-08T08:55:00.000-04:00

Soo. It feels like it's been forever since Part One of our house story. But 5 weeks later, we are happy to report that on November 7th, we will be homeowners!!!

We are SO stinking excited! Our baby boy is going to have a house and a crib that will not be in our dining room. And I get to set up things, and get ready for him, and not have to move him as a 6 month old to a new apartment. We have a yard! And a driveway for him to learn to ride his little bike in. I can't wait to watch our little man grow up in the home we're going to make for him!

But uh, in case anyone was keeping track, November 7th is NOT very far away!! We have so much to do between now and then--packing, cleaning, painting our apartment AND new house, getting everything ready for settlement. We cannot wait to be in the house and settled--but the time before that is going to be crazy!!!

We also have one other thing we're looking for--we'd like to rent out 2 rooms in our house on the upper level (there is a bathroom up there, and we'd share the kitchen.) This will help us out a lot, especially since my maternity leave is only a few weeks paid, and I'd like to take more time at home with Sam (I'm hoping for the full 12 weeks) and a little extra income would make that happen. Does anyone know someone who is looking for a fairly priced room in Glen Burnie to rent out??

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers--we can't wait to show pictures of our new house!!

The One With Things NOT to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

2009-10-02T21:54:00.001-04:00

First, let me assure you--my husband is wonderful, amazing, supportive, and I love him dearly. He has been phenomenal to go through pregnancy with, and I fall more in love and am more thankful for him every single day.

Ahem.

Actual conversation in our home yesterday.

"Hey, Ashley. Did you use two different machines today at the gym, or just the one?"

"I was just on the one treadmill the whole time. Why?"

"Oh. Well. From downstairs, I thought I saw you, but then I looked over at another machine, and that looked like you too. But then I realized I think it was actually just this fat old lady."

::Jaw Drop:: " WHY on EARTH would you tell me that story?? If you mistake me for a fat old lady, you keep it to yourself!!"

At this point, he realizes how ridiculous what he is saying is, both of us are laughing hysterically, and he says. "Look, you're my best friend. Can't you just be happy I tell you everything??" More laughing...and such is my life.

All this from a man who one night accidently called me "fat head." (I may or may not have referred to our unborn child as fat head first. But that's completely beside the point....)

I hope you all get to live with someone as funny as I do :D

The One With a Weekend Thought on Motherhood

2009-09-26T18:44:00.002-04:00

I love my mom, a lot. She's really an amazing lady. She is generous, kind, funny, hardworking, and a lot of other things that I hope I picked up a little bit of from her (she's also slightly OCD and a clean freak--which, unfortunately and MUCH to her dismay, I did not inherit at all.) But mostly, she loves me. A lot. Not in a "my child can do no wrong" sort of way (my mom is also very honest!) but in a, "you're mine, so never forget how special you are" kind of way. When I was growing up, it was just me and her for the most part, and I never felt like I was missing out (luckily, I did get to see my dad on weekends, so I still had the father figure. Not saying he was absent. Just that the majority of my life growing up was the 2 of us.) My mom worked a full time job--I have no idea what hours she worked. The reason for this is that I have absolutely no recollection of her ever being gone. I cannot recall a single soccer game, tee-ball game, softball game, gymnastics practice, school concert, school field trip, or any other significant event that she wasn't there for. I don't remember ever remember going to bed being tucked in by anyone besides my mom. I remember playing Barbies on the floor (actually playing together. Not me playing and her watching.) I remember sitting in the sandbox together. I remember playing with my dollhouse, singing our Steve Green bible verse songs, dancing to Wee Wing videos, having popcorn with Full House, back when it was a new and exciting show. I remember a home cooked meal nearly every night, and I remember having fish, hamsters, and kittens all during my growing up years. I'm sure there were things she had to miss; I know there were lots of friends and family who pitched in and made my life a wonderful thing. I know that I always had the same clothes all my friends did (and that I was proud my mom knew how to find the same clothes at yard sales instead of department stores!) and I never missed an after school event, summer camp, or youth group trip no matter what the cost was. I didn't notice then that my mom never bought herself new clothes. I probably didn't pay attention to all the things I had, and all the things she did without--probably because she has never brought attention to them. She has never grumbled about the sacrifice it was to put me through an expensive private school because she wanted me to have the best education possible. She's never once reminded me, or even mentioned a single time, the hard times she must have had as a single mother. Rather, she has told me every single day for my entire existence, how loved I am.

My mom told me once that one of the trademarks of people who are truly happy is that every truly happy person knows that they are someone's favorite. The morning of my wedding, she told me I should be the happiest person in the world, because all my life I had been her favorite, and now I was someone else's as well. And how right she is. I never even thought I'd understand how much my mom loves me. But the closer I get to meeting this sweet baby boy thats growing inside me, the more it inspires me to love this child with everything I have.

This week when I was on vacation, I thought I might have a lot of those "this is the last time I'll get to do ::fill in the blank:: before Sam comes!" since it was most likely my last trip without a baby in tow for awhile. Instead, I found myself anxiously awaiting his arrival so I can show him the world. A seagull walked up to my chair and I thought "Wow, Sam would LOVE if a bird came this close to him!" We walked the boardwalk and I thought "Look at that boy playing the arcade games! In a few years, I will get to play them with Sam!" When I was wiggling my toes in the sand I thought, "I wonder what Sam will think of the sand? I guess he will eat it..." Everything I experience now I want to share with him, and I get more excited by the day to meet him and love him in person.

I thought the other day "Man, I should try to think of SOMETHING besides pregnancy to write about on my blog or facebook" but then I realized--for 24 years, my mom has been my mom. I wonder how many times she's been referred to as "Ashley's Mom" instead of by her name. And it makes me smile to think that now, I am "Sam's Mom." My husband is "Sam's Dad." We are beginning a whole new phase of life, and I am thrilled to have been loved so well so that I can pass that onto my son.

And maybe somewhere along the way I'll pick up a little of the cleaning skills, too :)

(For more Weekend Thoughts, check out Life at the Circus)

The One With the Vacation

2009-09-24T16:27:00.001-04:00

First off, lest I forget to tell anyone, let's just talk about how My Sister's Keeper is a terrible, terrible book. The ONLY reason I might consider seeing the movie is because I heard they changed the ridiculous ending that the book had. Like for real, I feel like the author invested so much time and energy in the entire novel, and then at the end said "Aw, screw it. I'm tired of writing. I'm just gonna come up with a quick, stupid ending and get on with the next book." I am not impressed. I am also not pleased I wasted so many hours reading the book to begin with. So, that's my book review for the day. I'm more than willing to ruin the ending for anyone who wishes to ask me what happened, in the hopes that you will decide it's not worth reading.

I am tired. Which is weird, since I JUST got home from vacation. But I slept horribly while I was gone, which has made me sleepy and a little grumpy today. Sam has a new favorite game. He curls himself up into a little ball, and then he scoots over to whichever side I happen to be laying on, and presses himself as hard as his little body can muster against the side of my uterus. Result? Mom feels like she is laying on a softball. It's really cute at first. It's not as cute after like, an hour. Or two. Silly boy. (it actually IS still cute. i just don't want him to know....)

Vacation was super, though! My friend Kat had free access to a house a few miles away from Ocean City so we headed out for a little girls getaway. We had an amazing time soaking up the sun, walking the boardwalk, trying an INCREDIBLE donut shop (You must, must, must, find a Fractured Prune. Go order a dozen donuts. You will want to eat them all) watching all 3 of the Anne of Green Gables movies, a whole bunch of Friends DVDs, and mostly just sitting around being pregnant :) It was delightful. However, I've not been married long enough to appreciate ANY time away from my husband, and I missed him like crazy!! I think Sam did, too. I'm so happy to be home with him again. Now I have a few more days off to enjoy before it's back to work. Luckily only a few months til my much longer "break!" I can't wait for 12 weeks of my little guy and I being snuggle buddies at home! (Yes, I am fully aware that being snuggle buddies mostly means changing diapers, cleaning up baby puke, and not sleeping at all....but I don't care. I just wanna meet my son!)

And now I'm supposed to be preparing my information for our store meeting tonight, so I shall be going. Until next time...

Oh, PS, we still haven't heard about the house. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Hoping to hear this week or next week, after the bank has sent out some people to evaluate the house and property. We'll see!

The One With all the Moms

2009-09-16T13:34:00.001-04:00

This week, I did something really cool. Actually, I did the same thing that about 60 0ther people also did, and to them it might not have been that significant. But to me, however dramatic this may be, it was a symbol of the changes that are coming, and already happening, in my life.

I went to a MOPS (mothers of pre schoolers) Meeting.

And I loved it. And I think I most of all loved it because it made me feel something that I've known since March, but made me feel it more concretely: I am a mom. I am not a mom-to-be. I am not going to be a mom. I AM a mom. I loved at the meeting when people would ask how many children I had. I always said one (and then pointed to the nametag on my protruding stomach that read "Sam".) Because even if I haven't met him, and I haven't held him, or chased after him, or had him puke on me, or had sleepless nights because of his crying, or gotten his poop all over me, or yelled at him, or laughed with him, or tickled him...he's still my son. Right now. Every time he wiggles and dances and moves and squirms, I get to know him a little bit more and I love him a little bit more. I do understand (or rather, don't understand) that something amazing happens when I DO get to meet him, and see him, and that that moment will be something I cannot comprehend. But for now, I'm just so happy to be his mom.

And I'm so excited about the community of women that I get to be a part of. I am inspired and encouraged and humbled at the opportunity I am getting the join these women (and countless others that I am equally inspired by) on the journey of motherhood.

The One With the House

2009-09-03T09:31:00.002-04:00

So. Our househunting story. Many of you know we decided to try to buy a house a few months back, and got an agent and spent many a day and night pouring over internet listings, going out looking, etc. After a little while, we were discouraged at not finding anything nice in our price range (neither of us has any fixer-upper skills...thus making a lot of houses out of option for us, since most of the houses in our range were more "as is" properties.) We recognized the benefits of the tax credit, buyers market, etc....but we just decided for us, with the baby coming, etc, maybe it wasn't the time to buy a house.

Flash forward 3 months.

I got a call from a friend of my families--her mom and my mom are best friends and we've known their family for years. Basic story, she owns two houses. She can't afford both and is facing foreclosure on one, so she asked what the price we could pay for a house was. I told her the top of our budget (which is 150 THOUSAND LESS than what she owes on the house) and she said "Great. Put in an offer. As long as the bank agrees, I'll sell it for that." Ummm. Holy cow.

I can't explain how much we are in love with this house. She gutted the entire thing and has rebuilt everything and it's all custom--crown molding, lighting, custom blinds, new appliances, paint, jacuzzi tub, big backyard, nice neighborhood, finished basement, 3 (possibly 4 bedrooms), 2 bathrooms....it's so much more than we were ever thinking we could get.

So. We're putting in an offer. And then we have to wait and see if the bank takes it. We're super nervous. The house is at the absolute top of our price range, so it will make our budget a little bit tight, though doable. And there's a lot of details to work out if it does happen--so for now, we're just waiting! Basically we feel like the chances of the bank approving the offer are pretty slim, so if we get it, we want to make it happen. We feel like this opportunity is incredible, and we feel like it coming at this point in time is totally a God thing. We'd completely given up on the idea of buying a house, and this just came out of nowhere.

We're anxious to see what happens and where the coming months take us!

The One Where I Finally Give Ultrasound Details

2009-09-01T00:00:00.001-04:00

So, Cape Cod trip came and went; days of work came and went...what I thought would surely be the longest 2 weeks of my life waiting for our ultrasound actually flew by pretty quickly. So on Thursday the 20th, we woke up early for our 8am appointment, I drank my orange juice to wake Nugget up, and we went to the office. Unfortunately, due to a mixup with their office and my doctor and my referral, they told us we couldn't be scanned until my doctor faxed over a new form. Um, it's 8am, and his office doesn't open til 9am, so that meant a new appointment. It also meant that I had a complete and total meltdown (you know, the kind ONLY a pregnant woman can have) in the middle of Advanced Radiology. Not a fun way to start the morning, to say the least. Luckily, they had an appointment that same day later in the afternoon, so I came home and went back to bed until it was time to leave.

When we finally got into the room, our tech was SOOO much nicer! First, she had a little stool for Geoff to sit on (our last tech shrugged and said, "Um, you stand in the corner.") She asked us a few questions about our last appointment, and then we got going! She put the thing on my stomach, and lo and behold, we had a set of spread eagle legs!!! Haha, our tech laughed and said "Well....there's definitely a baby in there--and he is DEFINITELY a boy!!!" Literally, he showed off his goods in the first 3 seconds of our appointment. We've not been shy about our preference for a boy, so needless to say, we were THRILLED! Geoff lept off his stool and pumped his fists in the air, and also yelled "WE WIN!!!" It was SO funny. The thing is, we both thought it was a boy. And we both wanted a boy. So we kinda figured there was no way it would actually be a boy, haha!

Turns out though, Nugget really wanted to be stubborn again. Right after showing us his legs, he wiggled down to the bottom of my uterus and proceeded to press himself as tightly as possible against the uterine wall. My uterus is about even with my belly button right now. Nugget camped out behind my pubic bone for the rest of the ultrasound. There was NOTHING we could do to make him wiggle back up. Our tech was cracking up, because at one point, he just sat down on my cervix and was completely still. Fortunately, she was great at working with him, and got all but one of the measurements we needed.

His name is Samuel Brandon. Mostly we just love the name Sam--we didn't choose it for a particular meaning. However, there are several meanings floating about--the one I love for our baby boy is "God has heard" or "God has answered." His middle name is after my cousin Brandon, who died almost 4 years ago at 20 years of age. I can't wait to be able to share his name with my son.

Sam STILL favors the very bottom half of my uterus. Like, he hasn't ventured anywhere near the top of it. At least not that I can feel. It was really funny the other day at work I was feeling him kick like crazy, so I told one of the girls that I work with. She came right over, stuck her hand on my belly and said, "Maybe I can feel!" I looked back and said "Sure you can. Just move your hand about 8 inches south...." Haha, needless to say, she lost interest at that point! Geoff's gotten to feel though--right in the middle of church! When I sit for too long, Sam gets peeved that I'm invading his space and wiggles up as if to announce that he's still in there. He said hi to Dad, then wiggled back down. And down he remains. Silly kid. I just love him :)

The One With Another Weekend Thought: Heaven

2009-08-29T07:59:00.001-04:00

I definitely am overdue for an update post. Our ultrasound story is pretty fun (like, for real--Sam is NOT a cooperative child. He actually made our tech crack up laughing several times because of his complete stubborness. She wished us luck with the rest of his life at the end, haha. Also, he's not just stubborn, he's a complete weirdo. Which makes me, another complete weirdo, love him all the more) so I'll have to share it. There's been all sorts of other excitement--the guy who backed into my car and caused $1200 worth of damage to the back of it (mom & baby were fine. and insurance is covering the whole thing); 23 of my peers and superiors coming in to have a huge meeting and "observation" at my store (one of my least favorite days EVER) and now, this weekend, all of a sudden a HUGE thing popped up--the possibility of buying a house. Like, in the next few weeks. Gah. Too long of a story to type now....since what I actually want to do is a weekend thought for the day. I had planned to do it every week, and I have been remiss :) But here goes.

I hope it's fine if my weekend thought is also a shameless plug for one of my most favorite people in the entire world--Steven Curtis Chapman. My mom and I had the cassette tape of "For the Sake of the Call" and "Heaven in the Real World" was one of my very first CDs. I grew up LOVING him. I feel as though his music has done nothing but improve over the years, and his recent albums to me have been inspiring, encouraging, and convicting. He has a faith that is amazing. I think this was most clearly seen in the days and months following the tragedy in his family, and I remember reading interview after interview and speculations from his friends, family, and the music world in general wondering if he'd ever perform and write again.

I had the distinct privilege of seeing him perform a year after that--the absolute best concert experience of my entire life. And now, the man people questioned if he'd ever write again, has released a new single--Heaven is the Face. And I LOVE this song. I think that obviously, the idea of losing a child has become so much more real to me since actually having lost a child through miscarriage, and now as I think every second of the day how much I love Sam. The pain that he has come through astounds me. His new album, releasing November 3, is very appropriately titled "Beauty Will Rise." I love that, because beauty truly has risen from among the ashes of his pain. You should learn about Maria's Big House of Hope, the orphanage opened in Maria's name...just one of the many amazing things that has come out of his tragedy.

But I've been so struck by the lyrics of his newest song. I find that heaven is an incredibly difficult concept to grasp. It is our greatest hope as Christians--eternal fellowship and worship; perfected bodies; perfected earth...but really, what is it? I don't know. I have no idea what it will be like.

Some of the lyrics of his new songs are as follows: Heaven is the face of a little girl/With dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles/Heaven is the place where she calls my name/Says "Daddy, please come play with me for awhile"/And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more/But God, this is all I'm aching for/God, you know, I can't see beyond the door/So right now, Heaven is a sweet maple syrup kiss/And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone/But in my minds eye, I can see a place/Where your glory fills all the empty space/And the cancer is gone/Every mouth is fed/And there's no one left in the orphan's bed/Every lonely heart finds their one true love/And there's no more goodbye/No more not enough/And there's no more enemy/And God, I know it's so much more than I can dream/It's far beyond anything that I can conceive/So God, you know, I'm trusting you until I see/Heaven in the face of my little girl.

I think this song is so beautiful. And so honest. He KNOWS that heaven is a thousand things. But right now, he cares that heaven is the place where he sees his little girl again. And so yeah, Heaven is the demise of cancer and sickness....and a sweet, messy, syrupy kiss from the daughter he hasn't seen in a year and a half and never got to say goodbye to. Loss gives heaven an entirely new meaning.

So for me--heaven is a blond headed boy named Brandon who will probably want to play some sort of practical joke on me as soon as I see him, and who probably hasn't stopped laughing since he got there. It's a tall boy named Dave who I'm sure is dressed in orange pants and will probably ask me first thing if I watched the movie he gave me that's in all subtitles even though I kept telling him I hate that. (And no, Dave...I still haven't watched it. And I still don't think Edward Scissorhands is a good movie....) It's my grandmother, being able to jump and walk and go crabbing again. And it's a little baby that I don't even know was a boy or a girl--with a personality and a face and a body and who I will finally get to know.

So. What is heaven for you?

(For more Weekend Thoughts, head over to Life At the Circus)

The One With All the Boy Parts

2009-08-20T15:55:00.001-04:00

No time for anything other than this:

Our baby is healthy, and super stubborn, and is a BOY!!! We're so thrilled!! His name is Samuel Brandon :)

The One With the Thankfulness

2009-08-08T19:47:00.001-04:00

So, I'm attempting to join the Weekly Thought linkup over at Crystal's blog every week. And I'm sorta in a funk today. So I'm not sure if my thought will be....well, thoughtful, but I guess we'll find out :)

I'm pretty much a mess. I am worried, angry, scared, tired, impatient, and every other emotion in the book. There were a lot of details I left out of my summary of our ultrasound appointment, and overall I'm becoming increasingly convinced that our tech not only was rude and gave up on us far too easily, she also neglected other important aspects of her job.

However, the MOST unhelpful thing I've heard in this situation is "You should have demanded another tech!!" or "I would have spoken with a manager!!! I wouldn't have walked out!" Um, thanks. When YOU have an ultrasound and your tech scares the crap of you and makes you think YOUR baby is dying, feel free to handle the situation "properly." Are they right? Absolutely. I have already placed a call to the manager of the lab we went to, and will be addressing the issues. No one wishes more than me that we had realized how wrong things were before we left. And no one wishes more than me that this would all be resolved before waiting 2 more weeks. But for real--I didn't know. I've never had a mid-pregnancy ultrasound. I knew things didn't feel right, but I didn't realize enough to speak to someone. Next time I will. People can stop telling me now.

Being convinced of our tech's mishandling of the situation is rather encouraging, in some ways, as it leads us to believe everything with the baby IS normal, and she simply did a poor job. The "what if" still feels very real, though. And I truly believe THAT is where all my emotion is coming from. I'm not trying to be overdramatic. I do realize that the chances are very good that my baby is healthy and normal and that in 22 weeks, I will get to meet Nugget and we will have a happy life.

But I'm not gonna lie--I'm tired. I'm tired of not having a happy, fun, exciting pregnancy like so many people I know. And I get angry about it. Yesterday, I finally put voice to my feelings and cried, "I just want ONE freaking part of this pregnancy to feel normal!" And I realized that my problem is different than the one I'm saying it is. I'm very worried for Nugget. It's a big part of my funk. But it's also that I'm a little bitter about the way this has gone, and that I can't fix it.

I peed on a stick, and cried. I was scared for the next few weeks. Like, I went to the bathroom every ten minutes. And I sat on the toilet a little longer, waiting for the miscarriage to start. When I actually DID start spotting, I completely melted, and spent 4 days certain we were going to lose our baby. I got excited, but always it was dampened by fear. I didn't just get normal pregnant sick, I got pregnant sick from hell. When everyone told me I'd feel "better than ever" once I hit 14 weeks, here I sit at 18 weeks, still occasionally puking, still exhausted, still not sleeping. When we got our first ultrasound picture at 6 weeks, we sat in the car and cried because we were still so scared of spreading the news. And now, what should have been one of, if not the MOST, exciting moment of our pregnancy (excluding the actual birth!) was ruined. And I'm tired of it. I want to pee on a stick and run around and tell everyone and be happy and excited, I want to feel great and amazing, and I want to be looking of pictures of my little gender-known Nugget and dreaming of the future.

And now I realize...that's not ok. This situation isn't mine to control. And I am commanded to be thankful. I am not commanded to be thankful because everything went like I planned, or like I wanted. I am not commanded to be thankful because God did things my way instead of his way. I am not commanded to be thankful because of my circumstances; I am simply required to be thankful for ALL THINGS. And tonight, I have much to be thankful for. For now, I have a Nugget kicking around inside of me, and each little movement is a reminder that for now, my baby thrives. I have a husband who has been amazing through this entire situation; has handled meltdowns; helped me through this; been my constant support and laughter; made me smile; and loved our little baby as much as I do. I have an amazing family, friends, coworkers...I am so amazingly blessed. And tonight, I am thinking on these things. Not the things that could have been, or would have been, or things that I want to be different. I am simply thankful for what is. And I am thankful that I have been chosen to carry this life. Every moment.

Seriously, Nugget??

2009-08-06T11:30:00.001-04:00

So. I really shouldn't be surprised. Here's what we learned at our ultrasound today:

Nugget has a head. Nugget has 2 arms and 2 legs, 2 eye sockets. We briefly saw kidneys, spinal cord, bladder, and stomach. We did get a heartbeat reading, 145 bpm, which is good. We also got a very long glimpse of the brain. One time, Nugget looked straight at us. Also waved a little bit.

Here's what we DIDN'T learn:

Are any of Nugget's body parts doing what they're supposed to be doing? WHY did we zoom in on the brain for ten minutes (when our whole ultrasound was twenty minutes...)? Are the kidneys functioning? Is the heart pumping blood? Is Nugget a boy or a girl?

So. kinda frustrating. It was kinda weird. Our tech wouldn't tell us much. Like, I was in there for about 15 minutes, she poked and prodded, pointed out a few things. Then mostly just stopped at the brain and wouldn't talk. Then she had me go to the bathroom, she tried again for about 5 minutes and said, "Nope. I thought maybe if you relieved your bladder it would help. But it didn't. I can't get anything I need." I asked if, based off of what she DID see, everything looked ok so far. She said, "I couldn't see much." Um. Thanks. That's very helpful. I'm not worried at all.

I realize this is very common. I know tons of women are unable to see certain body parts, etc. It's just sort of unnerving to have no confirmation or indication that Nugget is alright. I just want to know if my baby is ok. I already spoke with my doctor; he'll call if the report he gets shows anything abnormal...so until then we wait. Our next ultrasound is in two weeks, and hopefully we'll have more news.

Funny how much more appropriate my last post now seems...

In the waiting, in the waiting, I learned to hold on to the Heart of God.

The One With My Weekend Thought

2009-08-01T16:30:00.001-04:00

Pregnancy is so weird. Sometimes I'm like "Man. I never talk about ANYTHING besides Nugget!!" And then I realize it's because so few of my thoughts are Nugget-less. It's the most all-consuming experience of my life. I thought I was bad the weeks before my wedding, but it was nothing compared to this. Especially the past 2 weeks, as we've had our appointment made and are counting down the days to our ultrasound. As I've said before, I think pregnancy-after-miscarriage comes with its own set of rules and its own pile of fears. I kept thinking I'd hit milestones that would make it better, and while getting out the first trimester was huge, I'm finding myself anxious as the ultrasound approaches. And I have wondered much exactly what I am to pray for during this time. Out of fear, I want to ONLY pray that my baby is healthy. I want to pray that I get to meet Nugget, and hold Nugget, and play with Nugget, and take Nugget to kindergarten, and watch Nugget graduate and get married and live a long happy life. The very strongest desire of my heart is to really get to know this little baby I have come to love tremendously in the past 4 months. However, I am fully aware that this is not MY baby. This is God's baby, and as I have already learned, I have no control over this child. This is sometimes a frustrating thought to me--I'm avoiding all the foods I'm supposed to; I'm taking care of my body the way I'm supposed to...I've got all the bases covered. I wish that came with the assurance that as long as I do what I'm supposed to do, my baby will be fine. But it doesn't. And I can do everything I can, knowing that in the end, I will humbly accept the sovereignty of a God who sees the future, controls the universe, and loves my baby more than I will ever be able to.

I feel like what I need to do is absolutely pray my desires to God. But I also need to daily rededicate my child to his care, and relinquish the control I pretend I have but really don't. While I was thinking through all this stuff, I found a song that basically says what I feel like pregnancy (and, while I don't know from experience, I imagine parenting in general will be like.) It's called Prayers for This Child by Sara Groves, and I love it.

"I do not know how I am to pray for this child,

As his mother I don't want my baby denied,

But in the waiting, in the waiting,

I learned to hold on to the heart of God.

Every instinct in me wants to shield him from pain,

Take the arrows of misery, heartache, and shame,

But in the sorrow, in the sorrow,

I learned to hold on to the heart of God.

I only have 2 eyes--be all seeing

I only have 2 hands--be everywhere

I do not know enough--be all knowing

I give this baby up to your care

I do not know how I am to pray for this child

I want to guard him from everything wicked and wild,

But in the trial, in the trial,

I learned to hold on to the heart of God."

Such a wonderfully neat thought. This lack of control, this fear of never knowing this child, this desire to protect my baby and the knowledge that it's not my job...these are the very things teaching me to hold on to the heart of God. So I will hold tightly, knowing that he cares for me and Nugget more than I could ever dream of. And I will pray for this sweet baby, both the desires of my heart as well as for my heart to prepared to walk whatever journey we will face.

Our appointment is on Thursday morning, and I can't wait to hopefully share all the fun details and the gender of our little Nugget! If you think of it, prayers are greatly appreciated! Thanks :)

The One With the Anniversary!

2009-07-25T21:12:00.001-04:00

(Alternately titled: The One Post NOT Written About My Ever Expanding Uterus.)

That's right, folks, today, I shall not be discussing my pregnancy, nor my Nugget, as per my previous 876 entries. Not that it's not pretty exciting, and not that I didn't FEEL MY BABY MOVE today, but still. There's more important things to discuss. (We all caught that, though, right? My baby moved. Inside me. And I felt it. Ok.) Like I said, we aren't discussing that today.

Tonight I'm super excited because sitting on my table is a big ol' box all wrapped up and in my hubby's handwriting says, "Happy Anniversary!!" (Also, the reason he had to write on it is because there is currently one roll of wrapping paper in our house, along with about 14 gift bags. The roll of wrapping paper has snowmen all over it and says "Winter Wonderland" and the gift bags all have pictures of brides and grooms or wedding rings. He opted for the Winter Wonderland, turned backwards. I'm so proud.) Tomorrow, I'll wrap up his little box and we get to have a special day!

This is our first Anniversary and I think it's so cool. Like, it's sort of like a birthday, because it's a special day that isn't shared by everyone, but MORE special because I get to share it with Geoff! I don't know if that makes sense. But I really like knowing that tomorrow doesn't mean a whole lot to everyone else, but for us, July 26 will always mark one of the most monumental days in our lives. This year has been amazing. And I'm completely baffled by all the people who tried to tell me the first year is the hardest. If that's true, then I am going to have the best life EVER because this has already been the best year of my life. I have loved learning how to be a good wife for Geoff; loved getting to know him better. I love waking up next to him, going to sleep with him, hearing the door open when he comes home from work, cooking dinner for him, cooking dinner with him, and all the other little tiny things that make our life so happy. Has it been a perfect year? 'Course not. Have there been ways we've both screwed up, and a thousand times we could have loved each other better? 'Course. But we have kept on turning to each other, and have grown this year in ways we never thought possible. I'm so thankful for this wonderful man I have been so blessed with. He makes me feel beautiful, cherished, special and safe every day. He takes care of me, makes me smile, and makes me laugh like no one else in the world. He loves me, and he loves me well.

I'm so looking forward to setting tomorrow aside as a celebration of US, a moment to stop and look at each other and think, "How did we get so blessed?" So here's to our first anniversary! May there be many more to come :)

The One With My Funny Baby

2009-07-22T16:16:00.001-04:00

I love my baby so much. Like seriously, because Nugget is my child and it's one of those natural things, but beyond that, I have a funny child. Nugget likes to play tricks. The making me think I'm better and then making me puke again isn't as funny as the trick this week.

Our 15 week appointment was Tuesday. For those who haven't had babies, these pre-natal appointments are booorrrrriiinnnnggg. Literally, they last 15 minutes. We sit in the office where my doctor makes comments (or jokes) about my weight. He made serious comments when I lost for the first trimester, but when I'd gained 5 pounds this time he made jokes. (Also, note to self: don't schedule weigh ins right after a vacation in which you devoured fried seafood, ice cream, AND Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake your wonderful hosts brought you home in exchange for playing with their angelic child. Let me tell you, not even close to a fair trade. We win, all around.) Then he discusses my health, asks if I have any questions, and asks if Geoff has any questions. After that, we go to listen to the heartbeat. Usually, it takes about twenty seconds. Doppler goes on my belly, we hear a loud heartbeat which is mine, scoot the doppler down, and then there it is!! Very quick, which is good for a wussy mom and dad who get really nervous during this part.

Tuesday, all is well. I lay down, he puts the doppler on. Nothing. Moves it around...nothing. Presses harder. Nothing. Up, down, left, right, jabbing my entire abdomen and below. Nothing. This goes on for 2 minutes, and we are sufficiently FREAKED OUT. Then, the doctor moves the doppler down, presses as hard as he can and says, "Oh! Found it! Right behind the pubic bone!" We listen to the semi-faint but fast beat, and he tries to get Nugget to move, but Nugget absolutely refused to budge. Which is odd, because usually he is wiggly. I thought this was funny. My kid has already found the only place at this age that he can hide and freak us out. I can't wait til August 6--that is Baby Sex Day!! Also, I'm nervous, since it's Baby, Are You Growing Normally? Day. But I'm hoping the excitement will take over and leave me no time for anxiousness.

Until next time, I'm off to eat a giant bowl of rice. Mmmm.

The One With the Baby I Miss

2009-07-11T21:49:00.002-04:00

I'm back from an AMAZING vacation. I was perfect. A delightful combination of time with friends, and time with hubby, plus a little beach and a little city. Loved it. Sometime soon, I shall give some fun details, maybe even pictures, of the wonderfulness we had in Florida. But for today, I'm a bit pensive. I've been thinking lots about our first little baby.

I dunno, it's weird. Sometimes when I am counting Nugget's weeks and excitedly telling everyone how big he is, or what new milestones he's learning (last week, Nugget got facial expressions and begins to pee. Nice, Nugget.) But sometimes I can't help skipping ahead to see how big Baby Ward would be now; what I'd be experiencing. For some reason in my mind, Baby Ward is ALWAYS a boy. And I wonder what color hair he would have had, and if he would have been tall or short. I kind of thought that once I got pregnant again, these thoughts would subside, because now I can wonder all those same questions about a baby it looks as though I likely WILL meet. But the two are very, very separate in my mind. Getting pregnant again HAS made it much, much easier and I am so blessed to have been given this gift so soon. But...the pain of the miscarriage is still there. More than I would have expected, sometimes. It's very weird to think there was a little person that Geoff and I made, and we (on this side of eternity) will never know anything about.

One cool thing, though, was pointed out to me a few months ago by one of my blog readers (Thanks, Meredith :)) and has provided me with much encouragement. Nugget is a child created only because of the miscarriage. If we had Baby Ward, then this little person that I can't wait to meet would never exist. And I'm so excited to see this little personality come alive; to see if he will have my frizzy hair or Geoff's freckles...and all the while knowing this little one we get to meet would never have been possible without the pain we experienced first. Sometimes it's very difficult for me to look at this pregnancy with the same excitement that I know other first time pregnancy mom's are having. I still get super nervous, even though things are going great. In a few weeks at our sonogram, I already know I'm going to be freaking out. And yeah, there's no point in worrying. It doesn't change anything. Plus, things are (statistically speaking) most likely going to go wonderfully. And we definitely trust God with this baby, as we did with our first. There are just still days when it hurts, and days when I am still sad. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being overdramatic--plenty of people have miscarriages...plenty of people have had several! But then I come back to the fact that the world is broken, and that it's ok to be sad about brokenness, and death and pain. As long as there is hope...which there is, in abundance. It's just a strange journey to travel.

Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my last 2 days of vacation. Happy Saturday :)

The One With all the Hydration

2009-07-07T21:14:00.001-04:00

Well, friends, I come to you tonight as a fully hydrated preggo. I know this because I spent the better half of my day in the hospital connected to an IV. While not the most pleasant experience of my life, I can safely say I am feeling a thousand times better than I have since getting pregnant. It's amazing the difference that it made.

I called my doctor this morning to discuss my recent sickness, and he immediately agreed that I needed a new medicine. However, he didn't want to prescribe it until I'd gone to the hospital to get checked out at Labor and Delivery and most likely get some IV fluids due to dehydration. Ok. No worries. I call my hubby and wake him up, we leave to go to Mercy Hospital. I've never been to Mercy Hospital. It. Is. Not. Fun. First off, it's in Baltimore. I don't like the city. I don't like the one way streets. I don't like honking. I don't like parking garages. But whatevs. I love my doctor. So we'll do it. Plus, I've heard wonderful things about the hospital. I get there, we go up to Labor and Delivery, and things are a little....chaotic. Some of the nurses are running around talking about someone's placenta; some are figuring out who needs epidurals; some are doing paperwork. NO ONE is helping the poor women in room 11 who has to go to the bathroom; NO ONE is putting an epidural into the woman who is 7 centimeters dilated in room 5, and for pete's sake, will someone PLEASE find Dr. Mac so they will stop asking for him on the intercom??? Anyways. My doctor had already called ahead to inform them I was coming and what to do. I get there. I get registered and the nurse says, "Oh. You're only 13 weeks. Just go down to the ER." (I'm sorry. WHAT? No, lady. Last time I went to an ER it took them 4 hours to tell me I was having a miscarriage and there's no way I'm going back unless I'm dying, or bleeding, or unconscious.) So, I, in my oh-so-pleasant-non-hydrated-vomiting state say firmly, "No. I'm not going. You can examine me here." She, equally firmly, says, "No. You have to go to the ER. Go talk to the midwife. But she's gonna tell you the same thing." So, I go to the midwife, and she says that they're dealing with a lot in labor and delivery, so if I want to be seen, I need to go to the ER. I said no, I'm going to go home if you won't see me here. She said, "You're probably dehydrated. You can't leave." I turned around, said, "Watch me." and then I left. I called my doctor on my way back to the car; he was really ticked off they tried to send me away, and called them back and apparently MUCH more firmly than me told them to see me right away. So they did. Hoorah! Turns out I was pretty severely dehydrated, and so two hours and a bag and a half of sugar water and a shot of Zofran later, I was on my way home, VERY happily hydrated and feeling a thousand times better.

Overall, though, the experience concerns me. I asked one nurse if they were understaffed today, and she said, "Oh no. It's always like this. Crazy place!" (Thanks. Big help. Can't wait til it's my turn. I'll try to use the bathroom BEFORE I come so I don't have to bother the staff with silly things like that....) But, this experience also made me appreciate my doctor even more. I think my idea might be to get a doula or a midwife to be part of my labor experience (you know, help me pee and stuff) that way I get to have the comfort of my doctor, but also the comfort of someone there looking out for the medical stuff before it's the doctor's turn and I push and stuff. Who knows. It was also interesting how much nicer everyone got after my IV. I said to Geoff, "Wow! These people are WAY nicer now!" He paused, and then as kindly as he could, but also laughing said, "Sweetie. YOU are way nicer now." So I believe perhaps my opinion at the beginning was slightly skewed. But just slightly.

For now, I'm off to drink some water. 80 ounces a day from now on! Gah.

The One With the Jokester

2009-07-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

As my sister-in-law pointed out to me, with a combo of the silliness of me and the even more silliness of my husband, our child has little chance of being "normal." Which, to me, is super exciting. But, Nugget's first round of jokes is not something his mommy finds funny.

See, I was pretty sick for a few weeks. And then, right before 12 weeks, I started throwing up a lot less, and I embraced the 2nd trimester wonderfulness. Then, a few days later, I got sick. Well. Maybe it was just a fluke. Started to feel better....and a few days later, got sick. This time, I waited longer before I thought, "Wow, now the sickness is really over." So this time, I waited even longer. But I'm not gonna lie, Saturday morning, I said "Wow. I'm SO glad the sickness is finally done."

Good joke, Nugget.

Today, I woke up. And threw up. Then, I tried to eat some breakfast. And threw up. Prenatal vitamin? Threw up. Cup of water? Threw up. I finally had to go into work to process payroll, and ate a half a cup of ice cubes...and threw up. So I came home to sleep. This is the worst day I've had since getting pregnant. And really, I shouldn't complain, since I know at least one of my readers who was this sick (and sicker) for nearly her entire pregnancy. One day won't kill me. But I am tellin ya--I'm not doin this for long. If it's like this tomorrow, I'm calling my dr. He already gave me some anti-nausea medicine, but it makes me SO sleepy I can't even take it if I have to go to work, or do anything that requires me to move from my couch. So Ima need a nice anti-nausea AND anti-drowsiness medication.

This is especially important since a week from today I'll be flying to Florida with my hubby! We are so freaking excited about this vacation and adventure. Back in January, we had signed up for a cruise in January 2010. However, being due in January 2010, we realized we had to cancel it. So, we decided to do the responsible thing--not plan any vacation and save our money for the little one. Then about 2 weeks ago, I started to get really sad about this plan. First, because this is the last summer we have to carelessly make vacation plans without a child to consider. It's also HOPEFULLY the last summer we will have two incomes so vacations in the future might not happen for awhile. Geoff is super sweet--even though its WAY more important to me, and he's ok with just hanging out here, he agreed we could go somewhere. With only a week to plan, my mind quickly jumped to huge ideas that would be impossible on such short notice. Then, that same day, one of my most favorite people, Heather of the Clement Crew, posted pictures of her newly designed (and beautifully done) guest room with an invitation for visitors. I'm SO excited about this for so many reasons--first, she has the cutest child I've ever seen. And I mean that. There really is no other child that is as cute as him. (I'm very much hoping I think mine is cuter when it pops out. But Liam is SO cute that it's going to be debatable.) Also, I have never gotten to meet Heather's husband, nor has Geoff, and it's going to be so fun for all of us to hang out. Also, they live really close to St. Augustine, so after a few days with them, Geoff and I are going to spend 2 nights in a romantic hotel at the beach before we come home.

The suddness of this trip did bring with it some bathing suit crisis tears (don't try on last years suits after you're pregnant. it won't work.) So we have a bunch of last minute shopping to do. But it's all worth it! Now, I just have to feel better, find something to cover me up at the ocean, and we will be good to go!

In Nugget news, he is the size of a medium shrimp. And less than 5 weeks til our sonogram, where we absolutely want to know if we are having a boy or girl! I hope Nugget cooperates so we can get a good look at some healthy organs and know for sure what gender to expect!!

Ok. Time for more napping. The end.

The One With the Lime

2009-06-29T19:55:00.000-04:00

So....12 weeks is way more fun than all the other weeks. I'm *almost* like a real person again. I say *almost* because pregnancy makes me sort of mean and grouchy. Must be something with all the hormones. Also, it's mostly when I'm at work and people are driving me nuts (by doing completely normal things, mind you. It just irritates me more than usual.) Sometimes I don't even realize it. Yesterday, one of my employees went to the bathroom, but I didn't know where he went. After 10 minutes (yeah. it was a #2 break, apparently) I asked my assistant if he knew where said employee had gone. He very innocently asked, "Did you ask him to go do something?" The beast within me rose up and snarled, "If I had ASKED him to do something, don't you think I might KNOW where he was and not be asking YOU about it? I'm NOT retarded, ok??" I also may have freaked out one morning about a misplaced broom. I don't think anyone knows quite what to do with me.

Despite my grumpiness at work, though, I am so so so much happier this week than the previous months have been. I am finally keeping down all my food, and am feeling way more energy and just feeling more like ME. I'm starting to show, which is pretty nifty. I've actually been asked by a stranger if I'm pregnant (which was dangerous. But I'm glad she asked...) so that was my official confirmation that it actually looks like a baby bump! Nugget is lime sized right now and has reflexes and is squirming--but of course I can't feel it yet. Only 6 more weeks til our sonogram!! For now though, I am out of words and I am off to eat 12 freezy pops. So long :)

The One With the Quote from the Pop Song

2009-06-23T19:11:00.000-04:00

I don't tend to have great taste in music. Basically, if it's popular and on the radio, I've heard it. That's about where it ends. I also have a deep appreciation for teen girl pop stars. The first one was Hilary Duff...it has progressed into the likes of Kelly Clarkson and Taylor Swift. One pop star, however, drives me NUTS: Miley Cyrus. Like for real, this girl is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. So the fact that she sings a song I LOOOVVVVEEE is sort of throwing me off a bit. I wish someone, anyone else had recorded it so that I could hear it without listening to her "singing." But in any case...I love "The Climb."

When I was in college, I HATED being in school. At first I was homesick, then got dumped and was heartbroken, then I remembered how much I hate classes and homework. All around, not the greatest years of my life. During this time, my dear friend Joy said something I have never forgotten. You can live your life as a series of "Point A to Point B situations"...or, you can slow down and enjoy the journey to wherever you are headed. Not that we should have goals, and dreams, and be working toward those...but if life is nothing more than a series of countdowns, are we really living? This convicted me so much, because it's something I do on SUCH a regular basis. Sometimes it's little ways--"Only 6 more hours of work. Only 4 more hours of work. Only ten more minutes of work." Sometimes it's a little bigger--"Only 2 1/2 more weeks til our summer break!" And sometimes it's even bigger--"Only 29 more weeks til we meet this baby!" I'm a huge fan of countdowns. Love 'em. But sometimes, I think I'm too caught up in the countdowns to enjoy the moments.

I was thinking about this today after our doctors appointment where we heard Nugget's heartbeat for the first time. I was realizing how very REAL it is that there is a little person that I helped make growing inside me. And I still don't like being pregnant, even though I'm starting to feel a little better. But I want to cherish it. I don't want to waste the next 29 weeks counting down and missing the time NOW that I have with this baby. I have already learned that in pregnancy and in life, there are no guarantees. Most pregnancies at this stage go on to full term, healthy babies. But this is NOT something that I can count on. I have no assurance of the number of days I have to enjoy the little heart beating away inside of me. Cuz....

There's always gonna be another mountain/I'm always gonna wanna make it move/Always gonna be an uphill battle/And sometimes I'm gonna have to lose/It ain't about how fast I get there/It ain't about what's waitin' on the other side/It's the climb

So here's to a healthy baby, and a climb that's worth savoring. Gonna be a crazy adventure.

The One With the Whining

2009-06-15T19:27:00.000-04:00

I've gone to update this thing a buncha times, but haven't, because I'm a little whiney during this particular phase of my life. And I realize that I shouldn't be. Having had the miscarriage, I will be the first one to jump up and tell you that I'm thankful for the symptoms of pregnancy, as I love knowing Nugget is growing and is healthy in there. I'm also aware that infertility is a huge issue right now, and I'm truly thankful for the opportunity to carry and grow a life. I really am. It's a wonderful thing, and I love knowing that I'm carrying something that Geoff and I made. It's truly a gift. All that being said....

I do not enjoy being pregnant.

I feel like the worst mom EVER by saying that, since I feel like I should be writing a post about how special this time is, or how wonderful it is, or something pleasant about it. And it is special and wonderful and amazing--in theory. I love the IDEA of growing my child and I am growing more excited by the second about meeting this little person. I am thrilled beyond belief to be becoming a mother. But I'm very, very tired of puking several times a day, and being exhausted, and being grumpy, and not fitting in any clothes made in the US (too big for normal clothes, too small for maternity clothes...) and crying for no reason, and forgetting all the words that I used to know (this weeks examples of words I have forgotten: paper clip, cilantro, and turkey.)

I can't wait to be in 2nd trimester when hopefully things will get much better and I'll be a little bit back to my usual self. We're at 10 weeks now, and Nugget has grown to about the size of a kumquat. Super cute. Next week we will get to hear his heartbeat, hurrah! I can't wait. My mom has already begun yard-saling for the little one and I'm super excited to start picking out fun baby stuff. We decided that we're staying in our apartment until next July, so we're going to have to be creative with our space and where we're putting all this baby stuff. I'm actually very excited we're not moving, since the idea of packing and moving while I'm so sick...plus, I LOVE my apartment and its amazing green wall and front door and all the little things. And the baby will only be 6 months old when our lease is up, so I figure it would have been sharing a room with us for a lot of that time anyways. It won't be bad at all. We're getting very excited to open our lives to this change!

Well, I've been sicker than usual today, so Ima go to bed before I get up for work tomorrow. Happy Monday :)

The One With All the Carnivores

2009-06-09T18:50:00.000-04:00

That title might be slightly misleading. I am mainly writing about one carnivore. And...that is me. Horror of all horrors, that is correct. I've broken a 4 year dedication to being red-meat free. What did I break it with? A big, juicy steak? A burger, piled high with all the fixins? Nope. Dear friends, I ate boloney and hot dogs. AH! (Today at work, it was decided my baby is certainly a boy, since all he wants me to eat is gross meat...and also he's affecting my bodily sounds and smells in a very adverse way. Also, it's my blog, and I can say stuff like that if I want!) It was all delicious though. It's quite fun to be eating food AND keeping it down. I need to gain about 2 more pounds to get back up to my pregnancy starting weight, and that should only take about 2 more days at the rate I'm going.

Work is nuts this week. Tomorrow, the Regional VP of 'Bux is coming to my store to check us out...gah! So nervewracking. I haven't had too many of these big visits since getting promoted to manager, and I still get really nervous each time. There's tons of pressure and nitpicking and butt kissing...sigh. Luckily, I made a cheesecake to pair with some coffee for a delicious tasting, and if it tastes as good as it looks, I'm going to be earning some brownie points!

Also, I'm attempting to be a better wife this week. With being so sick, I took a brief hiatus from all the duties of our house--granted, we split the duties since we're both working a lot, but I try to do the majority just because I'm a big fan of the whole wife-taking-care-of-the-hubby thing. Geoff has been amazing in my lack of accomplishment. He's done laundry, dishes...all sorts of stuff to make me a happy wife. He's takin such good care of me! Tonight, though, he's coming home to a (turkey) meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. MMM. And, he's going to be home any minute, so off I go.

The One With All the Shopping

2009-05-28T17:08:00.000-04:00

So, on a typical day, if I went to the grocery store, this is what you'd see on my receipt:

Green Beans

Broccoli

Carrot Sticks

Hummus

Whole Wheat Bread

Apples

Bananas

Oatmeal

Eggs

Chicken Breasts

Beans

After finding out that I'm pregnant, I'd like to share with you today's shopping purchases:

Easy Mac (that's right. not even the actual box mix. EASY MAC)

Spaghettios

Instant Mashed Potatoes

Popsicles

Gatorade

Cinnamon Raisin Bagels

Cream Cheese

Soft Pretzels

Wow. It's like I'm a bachelor! I've been having some trouble with eating...in that Nugget doesn't like much of what I like. Sometimes, I get crazy weird ideas about what I'd like to eat (ie, crabcakes, chinese, panera cream cheese...) and sometimes it's just super bland carbs that do the trick. I never know. Most of it doesn't stay down anyways, so eh. Luckily, I had a doctors appointment today and since I've been losing weight he gave me some anti-puking medicine that I can start taking. Hurrah! I love my doctor a lot. So much so, that I've made a big decision. I've been all about going natural and doing this through a midwifery and even considered a home birth. But today, I realized how lucky I am to have a doctor that I trust. It's such a huge blessing that I decided it'd be silly to go somewhere else. I'm going to deliver at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore under the care of my dr, who fully supports the idea of going natural. Hurrah! I'm glad to have that decision made. I thought about still going to look at Special Beginnings, etc...but the one thing I love is knowing that my doctor will deliver my baby. Not whichever midwife is on duty. So, I've gotta research a lot and figure out what I definitely do/don't want out of my experience.

I'm 8 weeks along (welllll 8 weeks tomorrow.) And I find it hilarious that I've lost weight, since my hips and stomach have grown and my boobs are absolutely enormous. I bought a new dress at Wal-mart 2 weeks ago. I put it on Sunday morning, looked in the mirror, and realized it wasn't fit to be seen in public anymore, thanks to my chest. Pregnancy is so weird!

The One With The Weirdness

2009-05-21T08:05:00.000-04:00

I have no idea if any of my thoughts and feelings thus far this pregnancy are normal or not. I'm sure at least some of them are. But in any case, here's our journey through the past month or so.

After my miscarriage, we knew we wanted to get pregnant again quickly. Timing, finances, everything aside, losing the baby made us parents, and wanting to continue that. I went for my followup appointment and my doctor said because everything was progressing so well physically, we could begin "trying" again as soon as we wanted. I knew the cycle after a miscarriage could be iffy, so I didn't get my hopes up for being pregnant right away...well. I tried not to get my hopes up. Then, toward the end of April, I began to feel a little...weird. I kept thinking it was signs of pregnancy and at one point was SURE I was pregnant. Then, a few days later, nothing. So, I prepared myself to just focus on the coming months. Then, Saturday night, April 25, I took a pregnancy test. Not gonna lie, I'd already taken one 2 days prior which was negative, and Geoff and I had discussed not taking anymore. Plus, I knew I'd still be early and that night was the worst time to take the test. However, about 2 minutes later.....there was a faint 2nd line. I immediately ran and showed Geoff, and because it was so faint, we both pretty much just went to bed not really processing it. Sunday morning, though, brought more lines and more confirmation--I'm Pregnant. And that's where things got weird.

There was no ecstatic jumping up and down; no celebratory dinners. Were we thrilled? Yes. We prayed and prayed for another pregnancy; this was something we desperately wanted. However, we were very unprepared for the fear that we faced. I literally went through the enst 2 weeks certain I was going to lose it. I was able to hope a little, but mostly just was waiting for it to happen. Geoff was much the same. All our conversations were "So...if we actually do get to have this one..." Never once did we allow ourselves to believe that we could meet this one. I don't think this is because we didn't have faith or trust or whatever, I simply think it's because we were scared to face the pain again.

Nearly 4 weeks later, I am still very scared. Luckily, we've seen our baby, we know the heart is beating, my hormone levels are great--all signs, so far, are pointing toward a healthy pregnancy. I'm still finding it hard to really embrace the joy of this time, but I'm trying to start a little bit each day.

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us--please, if you think of it, pray for us, and Nugget, and for the strength to face whatever comes our way. This is a wonderful time for us...and I plan on beginning to enjoy it more.

The One With Our Little Nugget

2009-05-20T17:34:00.000-04:00

We're pregnant again!

I'm much too tired to actually write any of the story, but, I would like to say that we're super excited about Nugget's heartbeat of 100 beats per minute at 6weeks, 3 days. We also are SURE there is lots of hormone in there, as I am experiencing all the delights of morning sickness. (Although I think the "morning" part of that is a cruel joke.) We're very nervous, but also so thankful for the way things are going so far. Our next appointment is Thursday the 28th. Hurrah!

The One With Dying

2009-05-04T21:13:00.000-04:00

I've lost a pretty fair number of people that I love in my life--more than most people my age. This isn't something I'm a particularly huge fan of; however, it is a huge part of who I am today. I thought I had a pretty good grip on my thoughts of death and dying, but this week I am experiencing something new--actually being part of the process. See, the people closest to me that I've lost, I wasn't really there. I dealt with the aftermath more than the dying. With my friend Dave it was a little bit of a process, since it was a roller coaster ride as we waited to see what would happen--but it all happened hours away from me. I never got to see him, or say goodbye, or anything. Brandon died super suddenly...grandparents I guess I was a little more aware of things going on, but I was younger and thus not as much a part of what was happening.

My grandmother (mom's mom) is very, very sick. She is dying. And she knows. I went to see her tonight, and we know it may be one of the last times we get to see her and actually have 2 way communication. She knows her time is limited, and she's scared. She also can still tell little jokes, open her eyes a bit, and knows who we all are. We don't know how long this will last, but it's very sad to watch. And it made me think--sometimes, I think death, especially in elderly people, seems...natural. I mean, everyone dies. You get old, body stops working, end of story. It's sad, and painful, and all that stuff....but man. It's so NOT natural. It's so opposite of the way God intended life to happen. And it's SUCH a picture of how incredibly broken world is. Doesn't matter if you're an unborn child, a 20 year old boy, a 29 year old man, a 64 year old woman, or a 92 year old man...death is awful.

Also, it got me thinking. I've wondered before about a few things. Would I want tubes and machines to help keep me alive? No. Definitely not. When it's time to go, it's time to go. I am not interested in artificially prolonging that. But more than that, I wondered...would I want the chance to say goodbye? Would I want this in between time, when I know I'm dying, but not dead? I know many people would. But I don't. I don't want to know I'm going, don't want to sit while people cry around me, don't even want to say goodbye. I'd rather live my life knowing I don't NEED to say goodbye because things have already been said. And I sort of wonder how well I do that. In some ways, I think I do. I'm pretty confident that if I die tomorrow, my husband will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is my hero, my strength, my joy, my best friend, and the love of my life. I am sure that Trip and Joy know that they are some of the most influential and important people in my life and without their friendship I do not know where I'd be. But in other ways, I wonder. Does my mom know how much I admire and respect her? Do my little sisters know how much I love them? Do my co-workers know how much they make me look forward to coming into my job? Does my sis-in-law Kristen know that every single time we talk, I'm grinning because of how happy she always is? Do Tim, Bethany, Kat, Jill, Holly, Becky, and Brian know how closely I hold them to my heart?

Sometimes, I'm not sure. But I know that at the end of my life, if I could choose just ONE thing to have people say about me, it would be this: She loved well. That's what I want. Looks like I've got some living, and loving to do!

(Also, people should say that I'm funny. Good thing my gravestone can say whatever I want. It could even say, "Ross Geller, Good at Marriage.")

The One With the Reflection

2009-04-26T20:47:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I went through a tough time, spiritually and emotionally. After a series of losses, culminating in a tragedy that struck me quite hard, I sort of detatched myself emotionally from life, and from the people in it. I was under the opinion that as long as people couldn't get to me, they couldn't hurt me. Loss, death, pain, betrayal--none of them hold any power if you aren't invested in someone. This plan, however, is severely flawed, since life without investing in people is really not...living. And your heart might be safe, but it's also cold, and empty, and leaves you feeling sort of hollow. It's safe, but miserable. This time in my life is when I read my favorite C.S. Lewis quote of all time:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I can say with great confidence that my heart, though it has been wrung and broken at times, has been penetrated with beauty, love, life, joy, happiness, laughter, and thousands of moments that have been nothing less than glimpses into a life of eternal communion with One who will never hurt my heart. But sometimes I wonder what I missed in those times when my heart was indeed locked in my casket of selfishness. I know the people I hurt, I know the relationships I needed to mend, and the restoration that needed to happen. But how many moments of laughter did I miss? How many beautiful days? How many people did I miss the chance to love? And how many of those chances will I never get back?

I'm thinking through this tonight as I am allowing my heart to once again be wrung. And I am preparing for it to be broken again. But I refuse to lock my heart up again. I refuse to choose the easy path of fear and control. I will be vulnerable. And I will love with reckless abandon, for however long I am given the chance.

The One With Nothing to Say

2009-04-14T21:57:00.000-04:00

Hi :)

I have not a lot of coherent or useful things to throw out into cyber world right now.

Just wanted to say I'm doing much better, and am out of the little puddle of muck and back into normal functioning mode. Hoorah!

I have amazing friends.

The End.

The One With Not So Much Handling It

2009-04-11T12:47:00.000-04:00

Since I've blogged so much about my experience so far, and most of it has been handled really positively by both me and Geoff, I feel it only fair to post in the times when I'm not handling it so well. Not because I feel as though I owe it to my readers, since I do feel this sort of grief is very acceptably handled privately, but more because I feel like if I don't, I haven't been honest about the road that I'm walking. Facing it this way is a good way for me to able to look back and see the truth of my emotions in this and not just the easy times of it.

I'm terribly, terribly sad today. It actually started last night after the Good Friday service, and my poor husband had to watch me sob myself to sleep. In grief, there's so many different stages. I feel I've successfully passed through stage where I know my baby is gone. However, the permanence of that is still hitting me. I understand the pain of, there is no baby right now. The thought of the spring...summer...fall...and winter, when he would have been due....that keeps hitting me in little ways. I'm NOT pregnant. This baby isn't going to be here in November, he won't have a birthday, he won't go off to school. The pain of the future is becoming a little more real to me. I miss being pregnant, and I miss the little baby I won't get to meet.

That's all I have for today. God is still good. Still in control. He's convinced me of that, strongly enough that even on days like today, I still know it's true. And as I was so wonderfully reminded last night, I am NOT God. I would make a terrible, terrible God and I rest in the true God alone for my strength in the midst of the darkness. I'm tremendously thankful for the people he's placed on this road with me to love me and push me along through the bad days.

The One With All the Redemption

2009-04-07T08:53:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I went through a pretty difficult time. During that, there were few people I allowed close enough to give me any sort of helpful words or prayers or anything. The ones that did get through, however, were incredible. I remember reading an e-mail from my friend Bethany and at the end, she said that she was looking forward to seeing the person that emerged from this; seeing the ways that God would grow me and change me, and that she trusted that God loved me too much to waste my pain. At that point in time, I was pretty convinced that God didn't love me that much at all, and that every moment of pain was indeed wasted, so I don't recall being especially touched by those words.

Flash forward.

I was rethinking these words this week, and how powerful the love of God truly is. I was thinking about the fact that we experience pain, loss, death, grief...so many broken dreams, broken relationships. What's the point? Why?

I don't think we'll ever understand the answers to those questions, this side of eternity. I don't think we're meant to understand the mind and ways of a God is infinitely higher than ours. I think he provides us with glimpses of his character, however, and THAT is what pulls us through. The thing that has encouraged me most in the past week and half is this simple truth: my God loves redemption.

I believe that God, at any moment, could step in and right the path of destruction we see around us. He could cure the disease, heal the sick, raise the dead. Any of it; all of it. But he doesn't. He allows us to experience heartache and the harrowing effects of our own personal sin. But I believe that goodness is coming. I don't believe that all of this will come on this side of heaven. Much of the true goodness and true redemption that is to come we must wait for. But I know that every tear will be redeemed.

And that makes it easier to experience the hard times. It's painful yes--but the true pain comes in not knowing if there will be an end. If there's really a point to it. But if God loves redemption more than our pain, we have nothing to fear. That doesn't make it easier, and it doesn't make it hurt less. But it makes it worth it. It makes us able to hold on, for just a second longer...and then another second...for however many seconds it takes for Him to redeem the pain. WE have already been redeemed. How, then, can we think our heartache would not be?

I was already thinking through many of these thoughts, and processing through what it really means to give over my heartache. Then, I went over to one of my favorite blogs (audreycaroline.blogspot.com) and found this song. It is amazing. It also was posted by a woman who today is celebrating/mourning the death of her baby who was born, and died, on this day last year. The faith I see in people around me astounds me. Again, not because they are faithful. But because HE is faithful.

the cruelest word, the coldest heart

the deepest wound, the endless dark

the lonely ache, the burning tears

the bitter night, the wasted years

life breaks and falls apart

but we know these are places

where grace is soon to be so amazing

they may be unfulfilled

they may unrestored

but when anything that's shattered

is laid before the Lord

just watch and see--

it will not be unredeemed

what amazing hope. in the midst of all of the trials of life, there is grace. grace for the moments now, and a grace beyond anything we can imagine.

The One With the 4 Day Weekend

2009-04-05T08:19:00.000-04:00

This weekend, we were supposed to be chasing after a bunch of middle and high schoolers at the annual AACS Spring Fling. I've been wanting to go back and be a counselor pretty much since I graduated, so I wish things would have turned out differently. However, both Geoff and I going meant we would have been counseling different cabins, obviously, thus not sleeping together or really being able to spend time together during the day, as our cabins would be demanding our attention. While I'm doing well, I was not prepared for a weekend of sleeping alone in a bunk, and not having my husband to hug me and make me giggle when I need it. The downside is that, obviously, we aren't there. The upside is that now we have 4 days off in a row to enjoy each other.

First, I'd like to complain just a tad. When in the world did carnivals become the most expensive activity ever?? We tried to go last night, and ended up leaving because it would have cost TEN DOLLARS for us to ride the Ferris Wheel. I'm sorry, but ten dollars? If I'm paying ten dollars, it better taste really good, or last a long time. So, no carnival. Luckily, Geoff took my to my FAVORITE dessert place, Cate's Creamy Custard...and since I'm like a 5 year old sometimes, the rainbow sprinkles made me forget all about the carnival.

Also, I'd like to confess something. I love Twilight. I watched the movie last week, and did not enjoy it. Then, Geoff bought the book, and I made fun of him. Then I "borrowed" the book, and Geoff hasn't seen it since. I've now seen the movie two more times, and have already set up borrowing book 2 (certainly NOT from my little sister. She's 17. And I'm 24. My reading preferences are far too advanced and mature to be borrowing books from her. After my 13 year old sister reads them too. that would just be ridiculous.) In any case, it is truly one of the more addicting series I've ever read. I actually can't remember the last time I cared so much about what would happen in a book (I think it was back in college when I was reading the O'Malley series. Also, I just said "back in college" like it was so long ago. ha.)

So today I believe we are going to go see the Cherry Blossoms in DC. I've never been before, and neither has Geoff, so we decided we should take advantage of the awesome weather and enjoy some outside time. We haven't really planned too many more fun activities for ourselves, as I also have been very, very tired and slightly more sad the past 2 days. I think God knew exactly how much strength and grace I'd need to get through my work week, and I got it. And now I need rest. So I'm gettin it :)

The One With All the Faith

2009-04-03T14:41:00.000-04:00

In one of the best experiences of my life, Hubby and I went with my parents to the Steven Curtis Chapman/Michael W. Smith United Tour. We actually were supposed to go to this concert back in October, but there was a mixup with getting the tickets, and so we missed it. I'm now so very, very thankful that we did, because this was a much more opportune time for me to be in the presence of God in such an amazing way.

You can hear all sorts of people talk about the goodness of God. You can sit in church and learn about his grace, mercy, sovereignty, and love. You can know all the verses, all the lyrics and have everything wrapped up in the neat little boxes of "Christianity." But then, you can hear it from a man who less than a year past burying his 5 year old daughter, who not only has had to wrestle with God and what his goodness really means, but who has chosen to do so in the eyes of countless other believers. I was so blessed. I knew as we walked in the doors to the sound of him leading the audience in "Blessed Be" that this concert would be like any other I had attended. As we lifted our voices to sing "You give and take away/You give and take away/My heart will choose to say/Lord, blessed be your name" I felt the tears streaming down my face as I reflected on my own loss, and my own glimpses of God's grace in the past 6 days. There were so many moments where he gave us a glimpse of his brokenness, a peak into the pain he has experienced in the past 10 months. But deeper than that was an incredible hope and faith; a certainty that won over confusion and emptiness. My favorite song of the evening was "Yours." It's an amazing song to begin with, one he recorded before Maria died. After she went to heaven, he was processing through some of his grief and realized that he hadn't completed his song. The fourth verse, now added on the re-released version goes like this: "I've walked the valley of Death's shadow/So deep and dark I could barely breathe/I've had to let go of more than I can bear/And questioned everything that I believe/but still even here/in this great darkness/a comfort and hope come breaking through/and I can say in life or death/God, we belong to you/It's all yours, God." To be able to write those words so soon after such a tragedy is astounding to me. And while I appreciate his faith and openness, I also know that ALL of the glory of his story belongs to God. There is nothing about him that makes him able to speak those words--it is ALL by the grace of God.

I can say that firmly because I know that every moment of happiness and peace and even laughter that I've experienced this week (and there have been MANY!) have been nothing to do with my strong faith, or my wonderful handling of this situation--but have been the direct result of God's grace. I am in awe that he has protected my heart so well from anger and confusion; that he has given me the strength to handle each day of this. It is 100% for the glory of God and 0% anything I've done. I'm not typically a great handler of tough times--just ask anyone who talked to me the year after my cousin died. I'm a dweller, a despair-er, a wallower. God, and God alone, has lifted me from this pit and is keeping me from the valley this time. I do not know why. But I am so incredibly thankful. I owe much to all of you as well--you have loved my husband and I tremendously well. We have had wonderful week, growing together and being blessed.

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts :)

The One With Handling It

2009-03-30T12:00:00.000-04:00

It's been a long few days for us, and I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words. Each facebook wall posting, message, chat, text message, voicemail and visit has been cherished. I have gotten more hugs in the past 3 days than I have in the past month...and I love me some hugs.

We, overall, are handling our loss quite well. What I mean by that is that I am not struggling with believing lies or giving into asking questions I should not be asking. I do not think that this was my fault, or that there was anything I could do to change it. I'm not scared that this is some sign I am incapable of carrying children. I believe that these things happen, that they are outside of our control, and that this side of heaven I will never understand why I will not hold the child I was growing. I'm not going to try. One of my favorite lines from a MercyMe song is a line in "Homesick" where he says, "Help me, Lord, cuz I don't understand your ways/And the reasons why, I wonder if I'll ever know/But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same." And I think that's a very profound point. Understanding why would not help me miss my baby any less. The sadness is coming from a loss, and I believe I am supposed to mourn that loss. I am not supposed to wallow, or sink into depression, or give into anger, despair, or any of that--but mourn, yes. I don't need to understand why this happened. I need to understand that my baby is with Jesus, and that I have completed the job I was called to do.

Geoff is doing well, too. He has been a wonderful support for me. It's funny, because SO many women say they deal with this on their own because they physical aspect of it adds so much more to deal with. In some ways, I agree. But I also think that because it happened so early in my pregnancy, we are dealing with some of the same emotions. What I mean is that, because I was so early (and I don't know if what I'm about to say is completely normal or not) I bonded much more with the IDEA of my child than actually physically WITH my child. I mean, yes, my body began to change, and I was aware of what was happening, but I wouldn't say I really felt like I bonded with the physical part of things. So I think both of us are extremely broken over the idea of losing our child, and he can grasp that just as well as me.

The harder part about dealing with the physical part of things for me is that it's such a continuing process. Without going into way too much detail that no one needs or wants to know, my biggest prayer right now is simply for the bleeding to stop. It's very hard to accept the "loss" when it's more of an ongoing "losing." I feel as though I will be able to more effectively move on and become actively involved in life again when that side of things is complete. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to see how everything is going and making sure everything is ok. I'm very thankful that this appointment worked out at a time where Geoff will be able to come with me.

I do feel as though we're handling it well in the sense that we firmly believe God's graciousness and goodness are not absent from us and our current situation. This does not mean we are ok. Our hearts are hurting and broken, and there are many, many tears that have been shed and will continue to pour out. We miss our baby, and the excitement all the planning and talking of being parents was bringing us. Our days are long, and my nights have been longer. I have had a lot of trouble sleeping, and I'm very tired.

But again, God is good. Above all, he is working for HIS glory, not mine. Some have asked if we regret telling so many people--Absolutely not. I'm very proud and feel blessed to have carried that life for as long as I got to, and I'm thankful for everyone who shared our joy. And now we have just as many people to share our sorrow. That is what the body of Christ is for! Is it going to be hard to answer the question, "How's the baby?" Sure. Does that pain negate the sheer joy we felt for 11 days that we got to be his parents? Not at all.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Our pain is sharp at times, and our trust in God does not diminish our sadness. We are fully confident that His glory is already being revealed in this situation, and while this is not what I would have chosen for myself, I am trusting that he will give me exactly the strength I need to get through each moment. I love you all.

The One With the Longest Day of My Life.

2009-03-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

Baby Ward is no longer being grown in me. Now, he's being grown in heaven. It has been a long, and tremendously sad day.

Perhaps I should be sleeping. But I want to remember the details of the day as they happened. And I know many of those that love us will want to hear the story as well. Sorry if there's too much info about anything. But it's my blog...it's how I roll.

Yesterday, I had some mild cramping in the afternoon. I didn't worry too much about it, and decided just to relax, drink some tea, and take it easy for the evening. I began to feel better and didn't think anything else of it. This morning I woke up feeling pretty horrible, and was thinking this must be the day I began feeling morning sickness (until this point, I'd had no symptoms other than extreme exhaustion.) I went in for my shift at work, but was convinced by my dear friend and assistant Tim that I should go back home, rest for a little bit, and come back in the afternoon to finish out my shift. We debated for awhile (I didn't want to be a wuss) but I finally agreed and came home. I decided to try and get some food in my system, as I also needed to take my pre-natal vitamin and knew it might make me more nauseous. I cooked some eggs, and then went to use the bathroom before I sat down with my plate. I sat on the toilet, looked at my underwear and saw a big, bright red circle. Instant sobbing. I called my mom and asked her to pick me up; she immediately hung up the phone and hopped in the car. I then called my husband, who was in Lynchburg, VA and told him what was going on and asked him to come home right away. He too, hopped in his car and began the trip. I also called my dear friend Joy, who has been through this experience and was able to calm me down a little bit. Then my mom arrived, and the longest 4 hours of my life began.

As I was still not sure I was miscarrying (there was nothing so far that convinced me. just things that scared me) the ER was the place to go. However, they were having a bit of an...unprofessional day it seemed. Every step of the way took FOREVER and they didn't properly pass my charts around, so every single person I saw (which totaled 7) had to ask my name and "Why are you here?" Super fun question to answer. The lady who did my ultrasound was a nutcase. She barely spoke English, and asked me if I was pregnant. (If you don't know that, stop touching me and find someone who's at least GLANCED at my chart.) Also, in the middle of the transvaginal sonogram (ps. NOT comfortable) someone busted in while I was spread eagle. Most embarrassing thing ever. People need to knock. Always. End of story.

(Luckily, my mom stayed by my side every step of the way today. I can't explain how thankful I am for that.)

About an hour into this experience, I went to the bathroom and knew for sure that I had miscarried, as much more evidence greeted me in the toilet. However, once you start, you can't very well diagnose yourself and leave, so you're stuck in the twilight zone of complete stupidity. I FINALLY was diagnosed with a miscarriage and got to leave. It's a very weird feeling. They tell you that you "had" a miscarriage. I called people to tell them I "lost" the baby. All this makes it sound so...past tense. It's not. I'm still bleeding as I type this. It's a pretty horrible feeling, because it's like it's happening again every time I go to the bathroom. I want it to be over.

Physically, the pain is not nearly what it could be. I was only about 6 weeks, thus my body is having a relatively easy time of doing everything it needs to. I'm still cramping, but it's nothing worse than period cramps. I'm tired and have a headache, but that's more due to all he crying I've done. Strictly physically speaking, I'm very blessed that things are going the way they are.

Emotionally, we're having a rough time of it, but holding up. I was extremely glad to get a visit from my friend Joy and even more happy to finally see my sweet, sweet husband. This sounds horrible, but I'm going to say it anyway. Geoff is very, very sad about this and it's making it much easier for me. I know many women who have said they feel lonely because their husbands don't "get" what a terrible loss it is. Geoff is grasping the pain of all of this and basically handling it as badly as me. (Not that we're doing horribly. Just that he is feeling the same pain.) As hard as it is to see him hurting so much, it's also a comfort to have his sweet tears mixing with mine instead of crying alone. I know he would comfort me either way, but to share it together is so much better.

Those who know me know that I do NOT spout off happy, Christian, bible-college things to say unless I firmly believe them. There have been times in my life when I have been so bold as to admit that I lacked the belief that God was good, or in control; times when I've openly questioned his sovereignty. If I did not believe this to the depths of my being, I would NOT say it: God is good. God is deeply good, and he has us in the palm of his hand. This world is broken. Our bodies are broken. Our lives are broken. I do not believe God "took" our baby. I believe God is mourning our loss, because this is not how life and pregnancy were intended to go. This is brokenness being displayed. I believe that God allowed us this pain, that he is above our pain, and that he is in control of every aspect of our lives. I believe that our sweet baby is now with him, and that we were his parents exactly as long as we were meant to be.

My heart is deeply broken tonight as I type these words. I thought that I was out of tears--I was wrong. But I'm so thankful for God's grace and mercy, which will be new again in the morning, and are covering us tonight. I'm thankful for the amazing man I have been blessed to walk this road with. I will be leaning on his strength more than ever. He has been my joy, my laughter, my rock. I will need him more, and I know I can trust him to hold me. I'm so thankful for the body of Christ, which has reached out and covered us today. Our familes, friends, loved ones...each word has touched our hearts. We love you all, and are thankful for the love you've shown us. Thank you for your continued support, encouragement and prayers. Many have asked for tangible ways to help--honestly, I have no answer for you. Prayers and love are enough right now. We'll get through it. It's a long road to walk. But we will walk it with grace and strength.

We remain,

Mommy and Daddy of Baby Ward :)

The One With Calling Him Sam.

2009-03-27T07:24:00.000-04:00

Geoff and I are back into a "Friends" phase. After we found out I was preggo, we watched The One With the Embryos a few times...and now we're hooked again. We've been through this phase twice before, and I must admit I love it. This means at night before we go to bed, we pop in a dvd to watch "an episode." Or...7. Whatevs. I feel like now we might as well, since when we're getting up a few times a night with a kid, we prolly won't be staying up as late with our old Friends. Sounds worth the trade to me!

Like I said in the last post, we're definitely hoping for a boy. So much so, in fact, that we already call the baby "Sam." I get texts at work all day that say "I love you and Sam!" or "How is Sam? Is he making you hungry again??" I love it. Also, in case anyone wanted to know, Sam is about the size of a lentil this week AND his heart will start beating!!! How crazy is that??? (Also, just to clarify, I don't have a feeling he will be a boy. I just want him to be a boy. It's not like an instinct or something.) I do know we'll end up being thrilled regardless of what it is, I just figured if that's the case, there's nothing wrong with hoping a little!

The Little Lentil is making me completely exhausted. I have so much more respect for women who do this with a gaggle of other small children. I have one of the more exhausting jobs one could have while preggo--but it ends when I come home. And I come home SLEEPY! Granted, I've also still been making sure to hit the gym most days, which prolly contributes to that too (and, yes, I'm working out safely for baby!) I'm getting overwhelmed by all the avoid/don't avoid foods and drinks. The only one I'm having a problem with is herbal tea. There seem to be many conflicting reports on the effects. So far I haven't had any, but it's by far the hardest one for me to give up. I can ease up on caffeine...fish...actually, all processed foods; I'm trying to eat all-natural...but I love me some tea. And 3 days before I found out, we splurged BIG TIME at teavana on a bunch of loose teas.

I'm probably more cautious than I need to be, but I am slightly concerned about the possibility of miscarriage. I know personally 7 people who lost babies at 8 weeks, and a dozen more through friends. That's a pretty big number, I mean, I don't even have that many friends. And you don't have to tell me that it's in God's control, or that worrying won't help, or that more often than not pregnancies are fine and normal. I am fully aware of all these things. I am trusting God with this new life, and I know worrying won't change anything. I'm also not stressed out to a concerning level--it's not keeping me up at night or anything. Just a mild concern in the back of my mind at times. When we pray over the baby at night, we also pray that we are being prepared to handle whatever God has chosen for us. We definitely also pray our desire that our child be born complication-free...but we're trying to be ready for anything.

Anyways, my hubby is going to Lynchburg today to see some buddies (and I'm having an Anne of Green Gables sleepover while he's gone!!!) so Ima go wake him up and push him out the door so he gets there in time. Thanks for stopping by!

It's a BABY BLOG!

2009-03-24T09:37:00.001-04:00

That's right...the newlywed blog has officially become a baby blog! Geoff and I are expecting a little bundle of joy...and since most of the questions we're asked are the same, I thought I'd start of with a little q&a. Here goes nothin!

How far along are you?

Not very!! I'm just 5 weeks along, and we do realize it's still very early to be sharing the news with everyone. Our feeling is that God has already chosen the path we will walk with this new life, and we're excited to be part of whatever it is. We want to share the excitement and joy with everyone, and should something change, we will share that with everyone as well. We're thrilled to have the support and encouragement of so many (Especially those of you who have been pregnant and love sharing your advice! I'm a sponge. Tell me everything!)

When did you find out?

March 17, St Patrick's Day! I was actually sure that the test was going to come out negative, so I waited until Geoff went to work. I took the test, then went back into the kitchen to start baking a cake. 3 minutes later I went to the bathroom, glanced and prepared to see the negative test, as usual (I may have taken a few of these...) Instead, I was staring back at TWO LINES! Needless to say, I never got around to finishing that cake!

How did you tell Geoff?

One of our most favorite episodes of Friends is "The One With the Embryos." There is a scene where Phoebe is hanging upside down on the couch trying to make the implanted embryos "stick" in her uterus, and she sings this song: "Are you in there little fetus? In 9 months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas." I love to sing that little song, and so I immediately went to buy a tiny little pair of infant Adidas, put my preggo tests (yes, I took two) in the shoe box, and drove to Chick-Fil-A for his break. He opened the box, and pulled out the tests..."Are these real??" (Yes, Geoff. You can't buy fake positive pregnancy tests...) "Are they YOURS??" (Um, no. I brought you someone else's pee stick...of course they're mine!) "What does this MEAN??" (It means we're having a baby, sweetheart.) At this point, Geoff began to giggle. So I began to giggle. And we both just sat there, giggling, and unsure of whether or not to believe it!!! It took us about 3 days to get over the shock.

Were you trying?

Such a weird thing. No, we were not "trying." But we also weren't doing much to prevent it. We decided a few months ago to let God decide when we become parents....and he picked now!! We did not expect it this soon (though, scientifically speaking, I guess we should have....) but we are THRILLED. We already can't wait to meet this little person!

When are you due?

November 25, Day before Thanksgiving! (and crazy timing for me--I'm going to miss the whole holiday season at Starbucks! My assistant manager may not top the list of thrilled people...haha.)

Are you hoping for a boy or girl?

BOY!!! all the way.

Have you picked any names?

Samuel Brandon for a boy; Zoey Joy for a girl

How are you feeling?

Exhausted!!! But so far no morning sickness...keeping my fingers crossed!

Thanks for stopping by :)

2009-03-01T19:16:00.000-05:00

Welp, another month, and another failed attempt at "regular" blogging. Ohhhh boy. I'm not so good at that. Which sort of surprises me, since I was super good at remembering to update my Xanga (and I'm fairly certain my life was not all that much more interesting in my college years as it is now.)

It was a pretty fun month in our lives--Geoff turned 25, hooray!! It was fun to be married for this birthday, so I could do little things like jumping up and down on the bed at midnight yelling "Happy birthday!! It's your birthday!! You're 25 todayyyyyy!!!" It was super fun. I threw him a little surprise party, his folks took us out to lunch, and then some friends took us out to Chevy's (we are completely addicted to Chevy's salsa...mmmmm) The week after his birthday we went to stay at a little hot tub cottage in Virginia where we relaxed and enjoyed the wonderfulness of not having anything to do....it was great to get away with just the 2 of us. We also got to stop and spend an evening with Kristen, my sister in law that lives in Lynchburg. We got to go out on an awesome double date with her and her boyfriend and it was great to finally see her apartment and her wonderful life :)

I'm very pleased that it's finally March and thus the weather should begin turning soon...I hate winter SOOOOOO much. I'm pretty miserable when it's cold out..it affects my mood, my energy level, everything. Granted, being a newlywed has sorta made this one a little better than all the other ones! Having someone to always cuddle with has done wonders for my temperament :)

I feel like the details of our daily lives really aren't tremendously exciting, and that mayhaps I will begin using it to actually blog thoughts. Yes. I think I shall. But not today. Gotta wake up husband.

Blogging...from the boy.

2009-01-22T14:28:00.001-05:00

Actual conversation from the Wards today:

Me: Babe! There's new pics of Liam up today! (disclaimer: I sort of freakishly stalk your blog, Clement Crew, on account of the fact that your baby is the cutest boy I've ever seen. I also may, or may not, have watched the video of him laughing every day for the past week or so. )

Him: Maybe one day you should make our blog good, too.

Me: Have you ever even looked at our blog?

Him: Once.

Me: Ok, babe. You write this one. Tell me what to type about our lives.

Him: Ok. You should say, ok everyone. We've been really sick this week. Geoff has the squirts and poops water, and Ashley throws up a lot.

Me: Ok. I typed it. What next?

Him: Ummm....well. We're really in love and that I took care of you when you were sick, and you took care of me when I was sick....and...uhhh...the end.

Me: So...pretty easy to make this interesting, huh?

Him: Look, I already told you I didn't read this thing.

Sooooo, basically, that's pretty much what's been going on. Geoff started having stomach issues on Sunday night and is STILL having them...I came down with some sort of bug on Tuesday and spent 2 days being pretty miserable. I am on quite the upswing now; we're still waiting to see what Geoff's tummy wants him to do. That's been the most exciting thing of late.

We both survived holiday pretty well, and thoroughly enjoyed our first Christmas and New Year as a married couple! It was busy, especially for Geoff as he raked in the holiday overtime at the mall but I was really proud of how hard he worked and still kept his ever positive and optimistic spirit. We also got fish!! We love them. It's fun to have something to take care of together. Geoff's still doin well at school, although not enjoying this round of classes NEARLY as much as the last round. He learns much better with discussion instead of lecture, and this one's been ALL lecture. It's cute, though, he gets on facebook and sends me messages about how desperately bored he is. I'm hoping the next one starting in a few weeks will be better for him. I can't really explain how proud I am of him for doing full time school AND work and still making me a priority. He's balancing life well. And I'm so thankful =)

I've begun my internship at the pregnancy clinic...only one night so far but it's going pretty well. Slightly more nervewracking than I'd anticipated. I mean we practiced a lot with our forms and stuff in the training class...but somehow it's a little more scary when you're actually dropping someone's pee on a stick knowing you are quite possibly about to change their lives forever. Also my philosophy seems a little different than some of the people in the clinic but we'll see how it goes. It's been a great experience so far and I'm really looking forward to getting more involved.

All in all we're living a pretty ridiculously happy life over here. We laugh entirely more than normal people. We are way too affectionate in public. And we're way too annoying on each other's facebook walls. But we're so super happy that we couldn't care less! We've also had a great time continuing to develop relationships with our friends, especially my coworkers. God's been really gracious in providing us with some really strong friendships and lots of laughter and good times. God's really been reminding me lately of his goodness, despite circumstances and despite our feelings. I'm being continually reminded of his faithfulness, especially in looking at the places he draws us out of and the places he sets us back up again. Amazing love...

Me: Sweetie, I'm about done. Anything else you wanted to add?

Him: Seriously? More?

Me: You can't even think of something to wrap it up with?

Him: Ummm...stay classy San Diego.

....And thanks for stopping by.

.....But mostly, stay classy.

(movie? Anyone? for a hint...it's in our profile, under our favorite movies.)

Almost Christmas!

2008-12-15T17:37:00.001-05:00

Wellllll....it's December. We're already pretty tired--I'm the at the end of an 8 day working stretch; Geoff is putting in lots of overtime plus balancing school, and life is flying by. I can't believe that the day after Christmas will be 5 months of marriage! It's gone by so quickly--kinda scary!

Work has been rough for me lately. Huge labor cuts have made my job a lot more difficult, as well as added the burden of trying to make schedules that still allow us to offer good service. So far I've done an alright job, but I've still got a lot to learn before I'm really running things efficiently. All in good time. My staff has been amazingly helpful throughout all of this. I love working with some of my best friends..I've developed great relationships with a few of my employees and their spouses and it's truly been an answer to a prayer of mine and Geoff's since before we got married. While we have many wonderful relationships in our lives as individuals, and some as a couple, we had desperately wanted a group of people who got along well, and found activities to enjoy together. We love hanging out in groups, and we were thrilled to find a few other couples, all newly married in the last 2 years, who have similar senses of humor and love board games as much as we do. More importantly, they all share our faith and we've found this the most wonderful part of it. Even more wonderfully, I've developed some great friendships with the ladies of these couples and they've encouraged me more in the past few months than I was ever expecting! It's so important to me to have companionship on the journey of learning to become a great wife for Geoff. I feel like so often women are stereotyped as sitting around together complaining that their husbands didn't clean the kitchen or left the toilet seat up--but I love having being part of relationships that celebrate each accomplishment of the men we've been blessed with, no matter how big or small. We love sharing our joy together, and being there to remind each other of that joy even on the days when we might be tempted to forget!!

The other big event of life recently was the birth of Steven Patrick Coleman, born to Bethany and Daniel on December 13th. I was so excited to go to the hospital that evening and meet the little man...who truly is a little MAN. Full head of hair, strong and sturdy (born early at over 9 pounds!!) It was really beautiful to see my friend after becoming a mom. Looking back to meeting her when I was only 12...thinking through the transformation of our friendship. We've been through SO many things together--breakups, marriages, deaths..huge life changes. To see her handle the biggest change yet with such complete beauty was really wonderful. I'm so excited to watch her and Daniel become amazing parents and see how Steven grows them together.

Welp. I'm sleepy! G'night!

Turkey and More!

2008-11-29T19:33:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Wards had a wonderful Thanksgiving...our first one as a married couple! We spent a pretty fabulous day with my dad, stepmom, stepdad, and siblings on a farm out in Pennsylvania. Despite a few wrong turns on the way out there (courtesy of me) we got there and had plenty of time to enjoy everything. My sisters cooked an amazing meal and it was really special to be there with all of them. It's the first time I ever remember spending Thanksgiving with my siblings and it was so great. I think one of my favorite moments of the day was when we went around the circle and all said what we're thankful for, and my little brother was thankful for "Star Wars Guys." Haha, little kids are too cute. Geoff got to chop some wood and we both got to ride horses! It was one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever. Geoff had a really great time as well, which was fun for me to see. It's one thing to hang out with each others families because we have to, and quite another to truly enjoy it. But Geoff said it was one of the best Thanksgiving days he's ever had, too!

There was one gap in the day, which was not having my mom there. And she's pretty much the most special person ever...because she spent her whole Thanksgiving being completely selfless and spending the day visiting relatives and friends in the hospital. I love my mom. I hope one day I can be as giving as she is, and be willing to put so many other people before myself on a daily basis. I'm hoping some of her has rubbed off on me already and that more continues to.

Life has been busy and different for us lately. We're still not good at not seeing each other and it's hard to adjust to our new busy life. Work has also gotten busier for both of us (especially poor Geoff--he worked a fourteen hour shift on black friday!!) but we're excited for Christmas. Hopefully this week we'll be getting our first Christmas tree and get to decorate together. I can't wait!

The biggest thing I'm thankful for this year is my husband, who continues to amaze me with how much and how well he loves me. Whether it's cute little things like going to get my favorite frozen yogurt or bigger things like knowing just how to encourage me on a bad day, or going out of his way to serve me even when it means sacrifice; he loves me in a million ways that surprise me every day. We also have both been so blessed in the past few weeks to develop a really amazing group of friends. We've been lucky to have a lot of good friends, and even a lot of couple friends, but now we've sort of morphed into a few couples that get along phenomenally well, are all Christians, all have the same sense of humor and have an absolute blast together. It's been a prayer of ours since before we even got married and it's really cool to see how God has seen fit to answer that prayer.

Puddling...

2008-11-24T18:55:00.001-05:00

Yeah, so it's officially holiday in retail. Geoff worked a lovely 14 hour shift at the mall on Saturday, and I currently have piles of merchandise taller than I am in the back room of my store. (Luckily, I also have an assistant who is a lot taller than me at my store. Most of my days are spent saying, "Booker? Can you come get something for me?" "Um...Booker? Can you lift this box up there?" and my favorite, "Booker?? Can you open this apple juice?" He's big and tall. Kind of the opposite of me, which is why we're a great team. He puts things on shelves; I whine about them being too high. It's awesome.)

Both of us are already tired and slightly overwhelmed by everything to be done in the coming weeks but we're pushing through. Over dinner tonight, we both realized how stressed out we were getting and were able to encourage each other to push through! I'm so proud of my sweet husband--besides working crazy long shifts every day, he's also done an amazing job lately of managing his time so that he gets his homework done, goes to class, and STILL makes spending time with me and helping me with things a big priority. Friday night we got all dressed up and he took me out to our special restaurant (we went to Charthouse when we got engaged and for our one year dating anniversary) and it was so wonderful. Then this morning, he snuck in the bathroom during my shower, took my towel, put it in the dryer for me and brought it back all warm and toasty cuz he knew I was cold! He's been a wonderful husband, even when he's tired, and even when his wife is melting a bit...

November is typically a difficult month for me--or at least it has been for the past few years. November 10th marks the death of my cousin Brandon in 2005, and yesterday marked one year since my friend Dave died. Remembering Brandon was really great--it was the first anniversary that I've spent thinking of the time he was alive instead of replaying the days right after he died. Remembering Dave has been a little more difficult--if you think of it, please pray for his family. Dave died last year the day after Thanksgiving, and his birthday is also in a few days. His family will be having an extremely difficult holiday.

All in all life at the Wards is still wonderful--Geoff and I are falling more in love every day, and while that sounds cliche, it's totally true. We honestly find ourselves looking at each other sometimes and realize that we love each other more than the day before. We are continuing to find more ways to show that to each other, which for us is the happiest part of being married. Life is busy and a little stressful right now, but we're so blessed to have each other--and we try to never let each other forget!

2008-11-15T23:37:00.001-05:00

Wow...life got insane pretty quickly here at the Wards....

Geoff began school a few weeks ago, and I'm still in my training class, which now puts one of us out the house 4 nights a week. Combine that with another night for small group, a daily trip to the gym, a few hang outs with friends, a week of house sitting, and the beginning of holiday life in retail and you're left with 2 very sleepy people. We also miss each other a lot, since we haven't gotten to spend much solid, uninterrupted time together lately. Luckily, next week settles down a tiny bit, we're back in our own house and not running back and forth when we were house sitting. And both of us are REALLY looking forward to Thanksgiving this year--for the first time I can ever remember, I'll be spending Thanksgiving with my Dad and stepmom and siblings. Plus, we get to go to a farm and ride horses (which Geoff is thrilled about.) It's going to be a really great day.

I've discovered in the past few weeks what I think people mean when they say "the first year is the hardest." I don't think it's true. But I do think that the hardest part is learning how to establish ourselves as our own family graciously, firmly, and without causing tension. Holiday family issues are difficult, perhaps even more so when everyone lives close together, and mine are even more complicated because of step parents, a sick grandmother, etc. It's going to be hard for Geoff and I to come up with a way to be fair, have fun, and enjoy the day fully with both our families. While I'm confident this will happen, I also know it will be trial and error. And perhaps this year will be error. But I hope not!

Work is going so well for me right now. I LOVE my staff. They are amazing and work so well together and are an amazing support for me as a new manager. It's been getting way busier already which is great.

I was really planning on typing more but I got too sleepy. Time to throw on some crock pot oatmeal for the morning and wait for hubby to come home from work...

Home again, home again!

2008-10-31T07:39:00.001-04:00

Greetings! I'm pretty much as happy as I can be right now...as I sit with my cup of coffee and Hangin' With Mr. Cooper reruns play in the background while my husband sleeps in. Being gone this week was not one of the more enjoyable experiences of my life; I'm thrilled to be back.

So, this week was my Starbucks conference in New Orleans...while I understand some of why we went there, I do question the wisdom behind that decision. It was the biggest conference to have taken place in New Orleans since Katrina, and it did put millions of dollars back into their economy. We also provided over 50,000 hours of community service while we were there, and it was very well received by the community. My beef, however, is with the idea behind taking ten thousand people to a city that is FAMOUS for getting drunk and partying. I heard so many people say "I NEVER drink at home, but if you come to New Orleans, you GOTTA party!!" Yeah. Thanks for that, Starbucks. Also, for anyone who has ever wanted to go to New Orleans, I found it a representation of society at its absolute lowest. It's almost like a different world--there's beer on the streets, so it's nice because I mean, you don't even have to sit down to get trashed. You can just get trashed while you walk, which makes it easier to be insanely stupid. Also, its easier to catch the beads that are thrown down off balconies by girls who are dressed in skimpy lingere. There are literally shops on the street with signs that say "Girl on Girl! Live Sex Acts Inside!!" and have pictures, GIANT pictures, of said acts. I was like, wow. I guess maybe in Katrina they all lost their computers, so now they just put porn on the streets. Nice. All in all I was very uncomfortable, and I'm not particularly close to anyone on my team, so I spent many hours missing my sweet husband.

But let's talk about the highlights: Biggest and best....Starbucks is going (RED)! We are partnering with the Red campaign to raise money for AIDS and HIV protection in Africa. I'm very excited about this, and it's a HUGE deal for us. The first promotion is going to raise a TON of money for the campaign and it's such an awesome organization. The big surprise came though when BONO came out to introduce it!!!! We had no idea he was coming, but it was just awesome. He is hilarious and wonderful. Most definitely the highlight of my week.

Last night was Halloween and our stupid street was lame...we were the only house with our light on, and thus got about three trick or treaters. It's ok though because we also had friends come over for a huge pan of dirt cake with gummy worms and I made some pumpkin gnocchi. I'm so...domestic. HAHA. (sike.)

Geoff loved his first week of school--its designed perfectly to cater not only to our lifestyle, but also to his learning style. Tons of reading (books that he's actually interested in!!) and responding; not a lot of busy work and stuff. He enjoyed going and said the 4 hours went by quickly, which will help him continue to be motivated. I continue to be more proud of him every day! Both of us are going into difficult seasons at work--him being at the mall and me working through a huge Christmas promo at 'Bux...it will be a very busy month at our house!! With the addition of his school, my training classes, and a small group, we are now out of our house 5 nights a week which will add some new dynamics to our life. But we are still thrilled with the way things are falling into place and continue to enjoy every second we have together.

This week

2008-10-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

It's been a big week here at the Wards...

Geoff's big news is that beginning either October 27 or March 9, he'll officially be a full time student again!! He is entering into a degree completion program at Washington Bible College which will allow him to receive a Bachelor's Degree in Business Management and Ethics, which is PERFECT. Plus, he'll only be on campus on Monday nights which is amazing, since it still gives us a lot of time together. It will be a big change; Geoff isn't the biggest fan of school...I'm so proud of him for pursuing this. We're waiting on some paperwork/registration/finance stuff to go through before we know which cohort he'll be joining and if he'll start in fall or spring. Updates to come!

As for me...it's been a pretty good week. I got in to see a different doctor on Tuesday and my new antibiotic has been helping a lot. There's still slight need for concern as I'm most likely needing to see a urologist in the coming weeks because of some questionable lab results. But I'm at least feeling more normal...cooked a few meals, cleaned some stuff, stayed up past 8pm. All in all, basically being "me." I've also recently begun the training class at the Crisis Pregnancy Center to become a Crisis Counselor and am loving it. I'm learning so much about the center, as well as counseling and communication in general. I've got 8 more weeks of class and then I'll go from there!

This week will be nuts for us! I'm leaving on Sunday for a trip to New Orleans for the Starbucks management conference, and there's so much to do between now and then. Monday we're having a "Pumpkin Party" here at our apartment, for a lot of our friends to come over and carve pumpkins and eat caramel apples, as well as the Halloween Funfetti cupcakes I'm making with monsters on top (pictures will come!) Tuesday and Wednesday night are work, and Wednesday night is a huge day at Starbucks since a lot of corporate people will be coming to tour my store. So much work. Thursday is crisis counseling training, Friday is trying out a new small group...and then it's time to head south! I'm feeling sleepy already.

All in all, we are both still thrilled with life. I'm not sure when the excitement of marriage actually begins to die down. I mean, I still wake up every morning with a HUGE grin on my face and giggled our way home last night simply because we were both driving to the same place! I literally get MORE giddy every day and I love it. I'm getting used to being married but it doesn't feel normal--and I don't want it to! It feels like the most special thing in the entire world. We're so lucky!!

total frustration.

2008-10-13T18:41:00.001-04:00

Welp, the cleanse is off. We did it for a week...and then yesterday I was diagnosed with my 3rd urinary tract infection in less than a month. I am miserable. It's painful, as well as exhausting, and is frustrating me beyond belief. I have a really rough few days, take the medicine, it clears, and then I finally get back into my own routine, only to be knocked down by another one. We had to nix the plans for our 10 mile run because I've been able to push myself to work out as hard. I'm not able to take care of the house the way I want to, or to take care of my husband the way I want to. I'm also struggling with trying to find the energy that I need to put into the store now that I'm manager. It's been a difficult few days.

Luckily, my husband is amazing and encourages me and makes me laugh even when I start bawling the minute he walks through the door. He's wonderfully supportive and picks up the slack around the house when I'm not feeling well.

I'm going to see some specialists in the coming weeks to figure out what is going on. Prayers are welcomed and appreciated....

The cleanse continues...

2008-10-09T17:02:00.001-04:00

So. Days one, two, and three pretty much sucked. It's really, really difficult to come up with things to eat on this cleanse. The most difficult part is really just coming up with actual meals. It's easy enough to grab an apple and carrot sticks and cashews, but it's a little harder to sit down to that for dinner. The first three days also brought much tiredness and headaches, I believe mostly due to the sudden elimination of all sugars. I was about ready to deem the cleanse ineffective...and then this morning I woke up, felt fantastic, and had the best day at the gym I can remember. And Geoff is feeling great today too. So hopefully as time goes by, our bodies will continue to readjust themselves. Fun times =)

Cleansing...

2008-10-04T22:15:00.001-04:00

So on Monday morning, Geoff and I are embarking on a health adventure together. I've been feeling kinda sick lately, have been knocked down by a few infections and just feeling rotten in general. So I'm taking a big step and trying something I've been interested in for awhile, and Geoff is loving me and doing it with me even though it's not going to be fun. We're doing a cleanse!

I've been reading a book called "Quantum Wellness" by Kathy Freston. Basically the book describes the many dimensions of health--spiritual, emotional, physical...and how they all work together. While some of the stuff she says I don't really agree with, the hippie side of me really appreciates much of what she has to offer. Normally, I'm against cleanses. I'm totally against fasting (or, I should clarify, fasting for non-religious purposes. Fasting with prayer is different) or liquid diets, etc. I believe that our bodies are designed to cleanse themselves and doing such drastic things basically throws off the rhythm your body wants to function in. However, the cleanse recommended in this book is different. First, it doesn't require limiting your food intake. Food types, yes, but not food quantity. It's still possible to get energy, protein, etc from the cleanse she recommends. All you're basically doing is eliminating the hardest foods for your body to process and digest so that your body can focus on other things (in my case, fighting off infections and giving me back my energy.) It's in no way a permanent way of life; it's just basically a jump start to wellness. So, here's a list of the foods we'll be avoiding, and a brief explanation why:

Sugar: Sugar turns to glucose in your body. High levels of glucose triggers the production of insulin in your pancreas. The more sugar you eat, the more insulin your body produces and when the storage areas in your body are full, the sugar will be turned into fat. Insulin can cause inflammation in your cells (and thus is possibly linked with cancer.) Sugar can also be addicting and trigger cravings. Digesting refined and processed sugar also upsets the balance of vitamins and minerals in your body. By avoiding sugar for just a few weeks, you can actually reset your body to get more energy from less food. (And just for the record, we'll be avoiding not only white sugar, but all natural sugars including honey, corn syrup, and artificial sweeteners.)

Alcohol: Many of the same effects of sugar, since it also turns to glucose. Also highly addictive, and damaging to vital organs. (This will be the only easy part of the cleanse for me.)

Caffeine: Besides being addictive, caffeine can also be linked to anxiety, sleep disorders, body tensions, and headaches. Giving up caffeine lets you body restore its settings without the false adrenaline of caffeine. Since I think coffee is something that my stomach doesn't handle well to begin with, I'll be avoiding decaf as well. And since I can't have sugar or dairy, a cup of coffee isn't something I would have enjoyed anyways!

Gluten: The most common of all small intestine irritants. Because it's very difficult for the small intestine to digest, sometimes it leaks out into the bloodstream. It then attatches itself to certain brain receptors (which is why many times a gluten free diet will help children with ADHD, autism, and other learning disorders.) Eating too much gluten also takes away the small intestines ability to absorb nutrients from other foods. By giving it up for a few weeks, the small intestine can heal itself and get back on track.

Animal Products: Dairy is another commonly known allergen. It can lead to inflammation in your small intestine. Most of the idea of eliminating animal products though, is because of the hormones and chemicals that are in the cows and other animals we eat. Avoiding them for a short time also gives your body a chance to rest from these hormones.

*I will say we will most likely compromise on the meat--because we work out so much, it's difficult to get a high level of protein from vegan sources. We will most likely add in some fish a few nights, and maybe some chicken.

This will be difficult. But I'm hoping that the few weeks of it will give me renewed energy and health. I'm mostly telling everyone so that it's motivation for us to actually stick with it! 21 days. Wahoo. We'll keep you updated! =)

Fireproof and beyond...

2008-09-29T10:22:00.001-04:00

So it's now been 2 months since we started our journey together! We're still loving every second--each day keeps getting more and more fun as we develop our own routine and are finding out new things about each other. Luckily, our work schedules line up perfectly and we get to enjoy most evenings together and have been filling them up! We're usually pretty busy, but we're loving it. We're in the process of trying to find a small group at our church and are trying to work through scheduling issues and finding where we belong. Church is probably the most exciting thing going for us right now--we're in the middle of a sermon series called "Getting Out of Stuck" and it's been amazing! We're learning about ways to keep our spiritual growth on an incline and ways to encourage each other both as we grow spiritually as a couple and as individuals. We're touching on issues like community, personal growth, and intimacy with God. We're both really excited about continuing to learn. We are also loving our time volunteering at the espresso bar at church-Geoff is determined to perfect "latte art" and make pretty pictures with the foam and espresso shots. We'll be sure and post some pictures if he gets good!

This weekend marked our first road trip as a married couple! We went down to see my best friend Jill in Virginia Beach as a surprise for her birthday. She was shocked to see us...but even more shocked when she got engaged on Saturday! I've been working with her boyfriend (now fiance!) to help him put together some surprises and he did an amazing job of planning for her. They are SO in love and so happy and I'm thrilled for them as they plan their wedding.

One of our favorite times in the past month was going to see a movie together. We got to go (for free!) to see a sneak preview of the movie "Fireproof." It's out in theaters now, but we saw it a few weeks ago and we LOVED it. It follows a man and a woman who are on the brink of divorce and shows the man begin to pursue the woman...on the way discovering that he can never love her without God's love first. It is slightly cliche in some ways (the man struggles with pornography; the woman with an emotional affair...) but is such a story of redemption. It also presents the gospel far more blatantly than I ever would have expected to see in Hollywood. Instead of sidestepping the truth or using vague phrases about a "spirit of love" or whatever, the movie openly claims Jesus as the only way to save all sinners. If this movie stays in theaters and gets a lot of press, it could be an amazing testimony. We HIGHLY recommend everyone see it--especially married people!

Other than that, we're just pluggin along, living life, and loving each other. Life's so completely wonderful right now and we LOVE being married. It's pretty much the most fun thing in the entire world.

The basics

2008-08-27T21:05:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone!

In an effort to keep everyone updated on our wonderfully exciting lives (ha...) especially the people we don't see all the time, we decided to start a blog to keep everyone in the loop! Most likely it will probably be me (Ashley) who types everything, but hey, we're one now. I speak for us both =)

We've been married for one month as of yesterday. It's amazing how fast the time has flown by and how quickly we've settled into our new life. We absolutely love our new apartment and living together. Logistically speaking, it's just great to not have to meet up after work and constantly meeting to pick up each others cars, etc. Plus it's just fantastic to have our best friend there when we wake up in the morning...and most of our nights are spent giggling together until we fall asleep.

Our two favorite things to do are cooking together and working out together. So far we've had a lot of delicious dinners (we're perfecting an amazing spaghetti sauce, as well as the worlds greatest turkey burger) and we make time almost every day to hit the gym--we're training for a 10 mile race on October 25 so we've got a lot of work ahead of us.

Speaking of work, the big news of the week is my promotion. I'm now Store Manager of Starbucks Governor's Plaza...a huge increase in responsibility, but it comes with a raise and I'm excited for the opportunity. Hopefully it will be a smooth transition!

Overall we're even happier than we ever thought we'd be. We're really busy and spend tons of time hanging out and catching up with friends, plus we're getting more involved in our awesome church (Bay Area Community) so life is nuts but we love it!

Thanks for stopping in--feel free to check back in and see how we're doing!